How-to: Fighting in Front of Your Kids

Okay, obviously this post isn’t an endorsement of brawling with your spouse in front of your children. But I’m hard-pressed to identify any couple who doesn’t get, shall we say, mutually testy from time to time, and if you live with kids, they’re going to pick up on it. They might not hear your 17 requests to remove the Lego bricks that somehow found their way to your shower floor, but if one parent so much as whispers something critical to the other, you can almost see their little ears perk up.

Turns out, kids learn a lot from the way their parents fight. Multiple studies have shown that young kids whose parents fight aggressively (physically or verbally) are at higher risk for depression, anxiety and behavior problems as they grow. But other research suggests that constructive disagreements—in which parents demonstrate affection and attempts to problem-solve—might actually make kids more empathetic and socially skilled than their peers.

To learn more about how exactly to role model healthy discord in front of the kids, I spoke with our advisory board member Erica Reischer, Ph.D, a psychologist and parenting coach who has her own blog, What Great Parents Do. In her practice, Dr. Reischer finds that “parenting problems” often stem from unresolved conflict between parents, and so she spends a lot of time working to foster more productive communication within couples. The trick, she says, isn’t to hide your fights from your children, but demonstrate respectful disagreement and—even more important—eventual resolution. Here are some keys to making that happen:

Question actions, not character. If you’re upset that your husband didn’t help out with the kids’ bath time like you’d asked, say that. There’s no need to throw words like “lazy” or “forgetful” into the mix. “Name calling, shaming, and hurting your partner’s feelings sends a particularly bad message to kids,” says Dr. Reischer.

Watch your tone even more than your volume. Yelling is normal in conflict—we all get agitated, and when we do the volume and pitch of our voice naturally rises, says Dr. Reischer. She’d rather parents focus less on lowering their voices and more on using respectful language and allowing others to speak. In other words: It’s worse to be quietly sarcastic than to loudly—but constructively—communicate your discontent.

Take a time-out if things get too heated. If you sense emotions are about to boil over, tell your spouse (and your kids, if they are present) that you need to take a grown-up time-out to yourself. This is better than taking it to another room, which just implies to kids that it’s okay to aggressively argue as long as it’s in private. “It’s good for kids to learn that they should take it upon themselves to go somewhere and cool off if need be,” Dr. Reischer says.

 If you start a fight in front of the kids, make sure they see the kiss-and-make-up part, too. Even if you’ve shared words you wish you hadn’t, or one of you has stomped off in the middle of a fight, it’s still—if not even more—important to let them witness how you resolve the disagreement. Watching parents give some ground, see the other’s side, or even agree to disagree will not only make them kids feel better, it will also teach them the benefit of working together to solve difficult problems.

Photo credit: I’m Not Jack via Photo Pin, cc