MENTAL HEALTH Archives - Page 3 of 4

Pediatric Sleep Doctor’s Wish List

May 26, 2015 by Kelley 2 Comments

This post is part of a “Wish List” series in which I ask experts in different kid-related fields—medicine, education, etc.—what they really want parents to know and do better. Interested in hearing from a certain type of expert? Please make a suggestion here.

Everyone has their own parenting challenges, but getting kids to bed seems to unite us all. From wakeful newborns to night-owl teens, sleep problems never seem to go away—they just change. For this reason, I’ve tapped Craig Canapari, M.D. for our latest installment of “Wish List.” Dr. Canapari is a pediatrician specializing in breathing and sleep problems at the Yale-New Haven Children’s Hospital. A dad of two, Dr. Canapari also has a website which provides real-world perspective on cutting-edge sleep research. (I should also add that I’ve been reporting on kids’ health for 15 years now, and think no expert beats Dr. Canapari when it comes to demystifying kids’ sleep issues and helping parents chill out about them.) Here, he tells us the five things he wishes every parent knew or did to help all kids of all ages have healthier, better, and more restful sleep.

1. A good bedtime is critical for sleep success. Whether your child is 3 months, 3 years, or 13 years old, the most important area to focus on for good sleep is bedtime. A good bedtime occurs at a consistent time and is predictable and pleasant. In our home, my boys brush teeth, bathe, read stories, sing songs, and then have lights out. One trouble area for parents is that bedtime rituals can become too long and jumbled. For example, if the child is going upstairs then downstairs then outside then back to his or her bedroom, he or she is likely going to have some problems falling asleep. For older children and teens (and adults for that matter) it’s important to “power down” by turning off screens (and removing from the bedroom) and relaxing for 30–60 minutes prior to bedtime.

2. Sleep training doesn’t hurt your child, and may not even involve crying. Since Dr. Sears published The Baby Book in 1993 and started the attachment parenting movement, many parents have become leery of sleep training, which has become synonomous with “crying it out” (CIO). Both Dr. Sears and some more marginal sources have even suggested that sleep training is neglect, or even that it can brain damage your child. I would like to set the record straight. 1. There is no evidence that sleep training harms children, and good evidence that it improves sleep qualities and benefits families. 2. Crying may be necessary in some cases but can be minimized by a later bedtime (bedtime fading) and techniques like gradual withdrawal of parental presence, or “camping out”.

3. Some kids sleep better than others. When I was a baby, I slept for 18 hours a day, and my mother was really concerned about this. Other infants may sleep for 12 hours a day at first (and I guarantee that those hours are not occurring in a row). Differences can persist into childhood. So if your friend’s child is a perfect sleeper and yours is not, don’t stress too much. You can have good sleep but it may require a bit more diligence. (And her kid may be a picky eater, or like to eat dirt, etc).

4. Snoring is not normal and should be investigated. Some kids who snore may have a condition called obstructive sleep apnea, where the airway (the breathing tube from the nose and mouth to the voicebox) may narrow or close and open during the night. This problem can be associated with sleep disruption and drops in oxygen levels, as well as daytime problems with behavior and attention. Most (but not all) kids with OSA snore, and frequent or loud snoring should be discussed with your pediatrician, especially in the first year of life. The evaluation may include an overnight sleep test. Treatment options can include allergy medications, removal of the tonsils or adenoids, or orthodontic work.

5. Sleep deprivation is toxic, both for parents and adults. In children and teens, inadequate sleep is associated with a myriad of issues including behavioral and mood problems, weight gain, and difficulties in school. Most younger children will not be sleep deprived as they will go to sleep when tired and wake up when they are rested. However, if you routinely need to wake your school-age child in the morning, or if they easily fall asleep on short car trips, it is worth checking to see if they have had enought sleep. For more information on how much sleep kids and grownups need, here are the recommendations from the National Sleep Foundation. Teenagers are a different story; according to a recent survey by the CDC 90% of teens are sleep deprived, and the primary culprit is in appropriately early school start times. To learn more about this issue, go check out Start School Later. and start advocating in your community for this issue.

Nurturing Selflessness in a Selfie Generation

May 15, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I was really moved by the recent news story about the high school quarterback who made good on a fourth-grade promise to bring his friend Mary, who has Down Syndrome, to prom. For so many kids, prom is a living selfie, in which painstaking choices of date, dress, transportation, and after-party are all made with an intent to prove to peers just how fabulous they are. This kid decided to make an old pal feel fabulous instead (and isn’t she just about the prettiest prom date you’ve ever seen?)

Some uplifting research suggests that humans—Ayn Rand be damned—are wired to think beyond themselves and their own needs. One well-reported study of 18 month-olds in the journal Science found that toddlers are quick to help others who are visibly struggling with a task—such as pick up a book that a grown-up has dropped—without being asked. But I fear we may be raising a lot of kids whose altruism is less instinctive, and more reactive—a means to a bigger allowance or better resume. Studied selflessness is certainly better than selfishness, but still, wouldn’t it be great if we could nudge more kids into more good deeds for no other reason than because they feel it’s the “right” thing to do—or simply because it might put a smile on someone else’s face?

In a previous post, I shared some tips from the Parent Management Training Institute about the importance of modeling generous behavior and becoming a “storyteller of kindness” to help nurture empathy in very young children. Last week, at our local bookstore, I spied a slim, not-so-new little paperback that might help slightly older kids start thinking beyond themselves independently. Written a few years ago by Suzy Becker (better known lately for her Kate the Great series), Kids Make it Better presents young readers with 24 problems and asks them to write their ideas for a solution and draw a picture about it. Some examples: “Things are not always equal for boys and girls. What would you do to fix that?” Or, “What would you do for people who don’t have homes?” And, “Some people are always shy and everyone is shy sometimes. How can you help a shy person feel less shy?” At the end of the book, there’s even an action plan section which helps kids put their ideas to work in real life. While it’s probably ideal for grade schoolers, the language is so simple and kid-friendly that you could easily read the book aloud to pre-readers and prompt them to share their thoughts verbally and through pictures.

It occurs to me that even more than camps, classes, trips, and Xtra Math, this might be a worthwhile activity for the kids to do this summer. I’m tucking this away on the shelf to bring out on summer evenings, when everyone could stand for a little quiet, calm, and reflection. I can’t wait to hear their ideas.

Photo credits: Noo via Flickr ; Lisa Troutman Moser via Facebook

How Much Screen Time is Okay?

May 7, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Our mothers worried about plenty of things, but screen time probably wasn’t one of them. There was TV, but since chosen shows appeared at set times, there were natural limits to how long we watched. Atari and Nintendo made an appearance; but options were limited, and depictions were largely innocent and relatively unrealistic.

Our generation of parents is the first to deal with the dilemma of screen time, which, in excess, is associated with physical and mental health issues in kids. With no precedent and scant data on how currently hot technologies affect kids’ brains, we’re all feeling our way through an ever-changing landscape of sometimes-enriching, sometimes-mind-numbing, and occasionally harmful interactive imagery. It’s no wonder, that in a recent survey of Happy Healthy Kids readers, more than two-thirds of you worry your kids get too much screen time, and 70 percent of you describe your children as “obsessed” at times with TVs, phones, tablets, and computers.

It was 2011 when the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) last issued a policy statement specifically addressing young children and media, discouraging parents to allow kids under age 2 any screen time at all. That was a year after Apple launched the first iPad; now, the iPad is in its sixth generation, and the Wall Street Journal recently reported that some 48,000 developers are working on developing kids’ apps, many of which cater to the toddler set. (Apple’s app store’s lowest “searchable” age category is 5 and under, but many of the apps in this section are clearly for babies, not preschoolers.) Two years ago, another AAP policy statement on children and media, focusing on older children, was issued. It prescribed a “media diet” for children, and suggested writing down screen time limits and appropriate choices for children. But with more and more schools—right down to my youngest son’s toddler program—utilizing iPads for classroom work and homework in the two years since, it’s nearly impossible to get a grasp on how many total hours our children are staring at and tapping on screens.

Our survey also revealed that 71 percent of you fight with your kids at least once week about screen time limits. In our house, screen time is a near-daily disagreement. We have basic limits—a half hour of TV or computer before dinner, if homework is done, during the week, and an hour on weekends—but they do everything they can to stretch those limits as often as possible. They “don’t hear” timers. They argue that a brother somehow eked out more than everybody else. And we’re probably to blame. It’s hard to be consistent 100 percent of the time, and if you’re on a phone call or the rice burned or just tired of the whining, it’s easier to give five more minutes than it is to draw a hard line.

In need of some more updated, nuanced perspective than blanket statements, I turned to one of the leading thinkers when it comes to children’s screen time issues: Michael Rich, M.D., a.k.a. The Mediatrician. The Director of The Center for Media and Child Health at Boston Children’s Hospital, the pediatrician and dad of four fields parents’ media-use questions in his online column, Ask the Mediatrician. Here are some main points that Dr. Rich generously shared with me in an email exchange we had last week.

There’s no hard and fast rule about how much screen time kids should get.
Dr. Rich doesn’t think it’s realistic or even helpful anymore for experts to prescribe official screen time limits for any age. “Because screen media devices have become more and more ubiquitous and even expected in communication (i.e., Skyping with distant family) and education (even in preschool), the definition of screen time has become muddied,” he says. Plus, Dr. Rich points out, while there’s evidence that physical, mental, and social health problems tend to increase with greater screen time, there’s no distinct point at which risk outweighs benefit.

…So parents need to understand the risks and benefits about screen time to make calculations about what’s healthy for their own kids.
When deciding on screen rules for your kids, Dr. Rich advises parents to think about media like nutrition: “We have to learn what’s healthy and unhealthy for them, and pay attention to consuming media that helps rather than harms.” He does note evidence that children who watch TV at earlier ages watch much more TV than their peers at later ages, and are at higher risk for obesity, poor sleep, anxiety, attention problems, and more. Changes in social behavior, school performance, moods, or communicativeness all can be signs of too much screen media consumption.

Screen choices may be more important than screen time.
Dr. Rich resists advocating one type of media over another: “These products change so rapidly that naming better or worse types is bound to be obsolete or downright wrong very quickly,” he says. “The best approach is to recognize that all media are educational—what differs is what they teach and how well they teach it.” If educational benefits are what you’re after, immersive, interactive media where the player controls the narrative and practices over and over (like, yes, certain, non-violent video games) are more effective teachers than receptive media where the viewer passively watches other people’s narratives. There’s evidence that under 30 months, children do not learn anything substantial from receptive media (i.e., most TV shows) at all. Most important in deciding on allowable shows, apps, or games: We should observe our children using media and their subsequent behavior to assess how particular types affect them, good or bad.

Scheduling appropriate screen choices into kids’ increasingly busy days will help enforce whatever media plan you decide on.
“Engage kids early and often in planning their days, and prioritize activities that they must do (going to school, doing homework, and getting adequate sleep) and that help them stay physically and mentally healthy (sitting down to meals with family and getting some physical activity, preferably outdoors). Make sure their screen time doesn’t blend into time spent doing those activities: Trying to multitask “must-dos” with media “leads to more mistakes and less retention, even for MIT students,” says Dr. Rich. Media that are acceptable to parents can be used in the time remaining.

Have a question for Dr. Rich? Find him on Ask the Mediatrician.

photo credit: Noo via Photo Pin, cc

How to Talk to Boys about Bullying

April 14, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

When they’re being bullied, girls are more likely to be positively affected by talking to their moms than boys are, according to new research out of the University of Michigan. Sharing their troubles with mom seems to help protect girls, but not boys, from later antisocial behavior that tends to affect kids who are bullied.

This might not surprise a lot of us, who assume that girls in general may be naturally “more connected” to their moms. But deeper data in the study reveal that something more might be at work. Turns out that moms are talking to their sons less than they’re talking to their daughters, generally. We may not be giving boys their fair share of opportunities to download their concerns and fears to us.

I know: You try. So do I. I’m sure I’m not the only mom of boys to experience a dynamic we begin to hear about as soon as people find out you’re carrying a child with XY chromosomes: a diminishment of open, spontaneous communication as our sons age. Whereas a lot of us enjoy cuddly, close, and chatty relationships with our toddler- and preschool-age sons, a foundation for a conversational wall seems to take shape around kindergarten, when simple questions—”what did you do for school today?”—are often met with monosyllabic answers, grunts, or silence. Sometimes, you’re left to rely on intel from a female classmate or her mother—who, between aisle 9 and 10 in the grocery store, will fill you in on who your son is playing with, how he did on his Spanish exam, and what’s he’s eating for lunch on Wednesdays.

But this study seems to suggest yet another reason that it’s worth our while to break down that conversational wall, early and often—even if takes some determined and, I suspect, more creative means of chipping away. Bullied kids aren’t just going through a “phase.” Along with being at higher risk for later antisocial behavior, bullied kids are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, which may persist into adulthood. They’re also more likely to exhibit decreased academic achievement and school participations than peers who don’t feel bullied.

Stopbullying.gov, the government campaign, has some helpful tips for encouraging kids to come to you if they’re having social difficulties at school. Their page “Keeping the Lines of Communication Open” seems particularly useful if you have a less-than-chatty son. I’m summarizing their tips, here.

Shoot to spend about 15 minutes a day talking to your kids about life in general. It can reassure them that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Here are some conversation starters:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Be sure to bring up the subject of bullying specifically from time to time, so your kids know it’s safe to talk to you about problems when they arise. Start with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

For my own mental bulletin board, I would add that it’s important that we allow more space for kids, girls and boys both, to talk about the not-so-rosy parts of their life. I know I have to work really hard to avoid having that knee-jerk look of anguish when my boys reveal a mistake or concern, and that I too often push a “buck up” attitude when they’re down. When we respond to the good, bad, and ugly with gentleness and equanimity, the more likely our boys will feel like ours is a comfortable shoulder to lean on.

photo credit: Gratitude, via Photo Pin, cc

“More” Isn’t Key to Time with Kids

April 2, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

This is part of a series I’m calling “Guilt Busters”: Research-proven reasons to cut yourself some slack. More here.

Studies show that today’s parents spend more time with their kids than ever. And yet, I’m going to hazard a guess that whether you work out of home or stay at home, you probably feel you aren’t spending as much time with your kids as you think you should. More floor time, reading time, talk time, toss-a-ball-together time—all of those things would be great, if only we didn’t have to make a living, keep a habitable house, and communicate with other adults on occasion. But recent research from the University of Toronto and reported by The Washington Post’s Brigid Schulte tells us that more isn’t necessarily better when it comes to the time parents spend with kids.

In the first major longitudinal study of its kind, Toronto sociologists found that the number of hours mothers spend with children ages 3 to 11 has no effect on kids’ grades, behavior, emotional health, or more than a dozen other well-being measures. For teens, there was a small positive association between the amount of time spent with mothers and lower risk of delinquent behaviors, but no other health measures. And for those days when you’re stressed, sleep-deprived, or anxious? Spending more time with kids and teens actually has a negative impact on their well-being.

Study authors emphasize previous research showing that high-quality interactions—reading, sharing meals, exhibiting warmth—are beneficial for kids. What doesn’t seem to matter is the sheer quantity of time.

What’s the takeaway? For me, I’m going to worry less about hiring a sitter, signing the kids up for after school, or retreating to my office when I have extra work to do; but think a little more about what we are doing, as a family, when the articles, chores, and emails are done. Taking an hour to get my life in order, in peace, and then devoting the next hour to take a walk or play is far better for everyone than two hours in which kids are begging for attention while I tap away on my phone. Ironically, spending less time with my kids might actually take a bit more proactive scheduling and discipline on my part. But it just makes sense, doesn’t it? I’ll report back on how it goes.

Photo credit: Noo via Photo Pin, cc

3 Ways to Teach Kids About Love

February 13, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I say, “I love you” to my kids pretty much every day. Sometimes they say it back to me; sometimes they stare into space, or ask what happened to their glass of milk.

I don’t know about your kids, but my three boys don’t exactly hang on to my every sentence. Not a one is a “word person”— at least not yet. So I talked with Erica Reischer, Ph.D., a psychologist and Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, about everyday ways to express and model loving behavior in especially kid-friendly ways. Here are some of her thoughts.

1. Use a lot of “positive touch.”

Babies who aren’t touched and cuddled don’t thrive. Even when they’re bigger and seemingly less physically affectionate, kids still need touch. And we aren’t just talking about bear hugs and bed snuggles. While some children need and want a lot of those, others respond better to smaller, more casual gestures, like a pat on the shoulder, a caress on the arm, or a back tickle just before bedtime. Learn what kind of positive touch your child responds to, and try to give him or her a little dose of that physical feedback everyday, suggests Dr. Reischer. It might be just the sort of connection and sensory input your child needs to know he or she is loved and cared for.

Try to do this more with your significant other, too. It not only models affectionate behavior, but seeing parents act lovingly toward each other is a big comfort to most kids.

2. Be more emotionally accepting.

“You’re fine.”

“Oh, that’s not so scary!”

“What are you talking about? You love Uncle Fred!”

Sound familiar? When our kids express that they are sad or frightened or frankly don’t care much for someone or something, it’s often our knee jerk response to insist they feel exactly the opposite—as if saying something will make them actually believe it. Dr. Reischer suggests a different tactic: Acknowledge the feeling, and, if necessary, suggest appropriate behavior that will allow them to deal with their feeling while also being respectful of a situation or person. (“I understand how you think Grandma’s house is a little scary. But visiting her will make her very happy, and it’s important that we go.”)

Acknowledging sadness or discomfort doesn’t just teach kids empathy. When you allow kids to safely feel the not-so-rosy emotions, chances are they’ll feel freer to express loving ones, too.

3. Stretch your love beyond loved ones.

Being a loving person isn’t just about what we do for our inner circle of friends and family. Showing kindness—lending a hand, smile, or warm words—to people you interact with in the community is a form of selfless love that will rub off on your kids over the years.

For more on these ideas and others, check out Dr. Reischer’s blog and look for her upcoming book, What Great Parents Do: The Small Book of BIG Parenting Ideas (Tarcher/Penguin Random House).

Can Reading Build Character?

February 5, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I love to read, and always have. As a child, I pored over almost any piece of print I could get my hands on. Around age 9, I finished my mom’s copy of Erma Bombeck’s Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession in a weekend. What did I know about childbirth and laundry? Nothing. But I had read and re-read all of my own books and needed to crack open something. (On a side note, that book still holds up today. My favorite passage: Erma describes lying in bed on Mother’s Day morning and overhearing, from the kitchen, “don’t you dare bleed on mom’s breakfast.”)

Last evening, when I discovered my oldest son, heretofore interested primarily in Ninja-heavy comics, tearing into his fifth Harry Potter book, my heart swelled. Yes, it suggested I share a common interest with my 8-year-old son beyond black raspberry ice cream. But I’m also hoping that recent research is on the mark: that reading may build not just literacy, but kids’ character, too.

In the fall, a psychologist from York University revealed the results of a study that showed that children who were most exposed to narrative fiction at home scored high on measures of empathy. Earlier studies demonstrated that reading children books that celebrate honest behavior (like George Washington and the Cherry Tree) led kids to act more honestly themselves, and that an interest in Harry Potter books, specifically, was associated with a greater sympathy for stigmatized groups.

Unfortunately, as our kids are more scheduled than ever with homework and extracurriculars, and devoting precious free time to their digital companions, pleasure reading is on the wane. In just the past four years, the number of kids who say they love reading books just for fun has dropped nearly 10 percent. Twelve percent of kids said they didn’t like reading at all.

I’m hoping that the tide turns back to make good stories more appealing to more kids soon. That might require teachers to be confident enough to schedule more free reading periods into the school day, and parents (myself included) to protect blocks of weekend time for the sole purpose of reading for fun, as a family. Need some fresh titles? Here are some picks from the American Library Association’s just-released list of the best children’s books of 2015.

Preschooler

The Adventures of Beekle: The Unimaginary Friend by Dan Santat (2015 Caldecott Medal Winner)
Beekle (a crowned white gumdrop of lovable cuteness) lives on a fantastic island with other creatures “waiting to be imagined by a real child.” After seeing his companions leave, one by one, Beekle loses faith that he will ever “be picked and given a special name,” and so he does “the unimaginable” and ventures forth to find his friend. —Kirkus Reviews

Early Reader

You Are (Not) Small by Anna Kang and Christopher Weyant (2015 Seuss Award winner)
Fuzzy, bearlike creatures of different sizes relate to one another in an amusing story that explores the relative nature of size…While the story itself seems simple, the concepts are pertinent to several important social issues such as bullying and racism, as well as understanding point of view. Charming characters, a clever plot and a quiet message tucked inside a humorous tale. —Kirkus Reviews

Ages 9-12

The Crossover by Kwame Alexander (2015 Newbery Medal Winner)
An accomplished author and poet, Alexander eloquently mashes up concrete poetry, hip-hop, a love of jazz, and a thriving family bond. The effect is poetry in motion. It is a rare verse novel that is fundamentally poetic rather than using this writing trend as a device. There is also a quirky vocabulary element that adds a fun intellectual note to the narrative. This may be just the right book for those hard-to-match youth who live for sports or music or both. —Booklist

Ages 10 and up

Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson (2015 Coretta Scott King Book Award winner)
Woodson cherishes her memories and shares them with a graceful lyricism; her lovingly wrought vignettes of country and city streets will linger long after the page is turned. For every dreaming girl (and boy) with a pencil in hand (or keyboard) and a story to share. —Kirkus Reviews

Teens

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson (2015 Printz Award winner)
Fraternal twins and burgeoning artists Jude and Noah are inseparable until puberty hits and they find themselves competing for a spot at an exclusive art school, and their parents’ affections. Told in alternating perspectives and time lines, with Noah’s chapters taking place when they are 13 and Jude’s when they are 16, this novel explores how it’s the people closest to us who have the power to both rend us utterly and knit us together. —School Library Journal

7 Ways to Improve Kids’ Social Skills

January 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

For some children, making conversation comes easy. For others, it’s hard work. Talking with a classmate on the bus, greeting a teacher, or even just taking turns chatting around the dinner table can feel painful, or just plain impossible.

Kids with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other developmental disabilities are especially likely to struggle with these social skills, but they’re not the only ones. Given the amount of time that children spend in front of screens these days, all kids are getting less and less practice developing the ability to communicate—in real time—with others. A 2012 Stanford study showed that girls who spent the most time on a wide variety of tech devices (even social media) were at highest risk for social problems. Clearly, even as kids text more and talk less, face-to-face connection remains the building block of friendships.

Regardless of their age or whether they have a diagnosed social disorder or not, “all kids can benefit from making the most of their interactions with others,” says Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, child psychologist, and author of the Child Psych Mom blog. With the help of Dr. Dunn and some other psychology resources, we’ve gathered some tips for helping kids develop the social skills they need now—and in the future.

1. Teach her F.E.V.E.R. Dr. Dunn uses this acronym to teach kids and their parents what to think about when talking to someone else:
F—Face the person when talking
E—Maintain eye contact
V—Keep volume at a reasonable level: don’t be too soft or too loud
E—Think about your facial expression: Smile or be serious when appropriate
R—Relax! Try to not be anxious or tense.
You can teach your kids what F.E.V.E.R. stands for, and before a meeting with a teacher, or a playdate, or a visit with extended family, remind them to “remember fever.”

2. Praise positive social interactions. We praise our kids for good schoolwork, behavior, and extracurricular accomplishments; Dr. Dunn says we should give them props when they display positive social mannerisms, too. When your child looks another grown-up in the eye, answers a question clearly and promptly, or uses good manners at the table, point it out—and compliment him on it.

3. Model friendliness and good manners. You can’t expect your children to develop strong social skills if you aren’t modeling them. Show them how to strike up a conversation with the mailman or a neighbor, listen to a story without interrupting, ask follow-up questions, and stash your phone out of sight when talking with anyone (be it a best friend or barista).

4. Find a group-oriented extracurricular activity your child loves.Sports, clubs, or religious groups can give children extra practice perfecting their social skills. Be sure your child chooses the activity: the more engaged and excited she is about what she’s doing, the more likely she’ll be to want to work together and communicate with others.

5. Use opportunities for your child to talk on the telephone, FaceTime or Skype. You can’t mumble on the phone or over FaceTime or Skype and expect the person you’re speaking with to understand you. Sharing news from school or home with a distant family member or friend is a great way to help kids learn the importance of speaking clearly and thoughtfully.

6. Consider getting a pet. While researchers caution that more studies need to be done to establish a strong link, a recent study out of the University of Missouri suggested that autistic kids were more likely to display socially assertive behaviors (like answering people’s questions, introducing themselves, and asking for information) if they had pets. By establishing themselves as such an important and kid-friendly part of a household, pets may give shy or withdrawn children something to talk about. Past research has shown that pets are linked to greater empathy and social confidence in typically developing kids, too.

7. If your child is still struggling, look for a social skills class in your area. As diagnoses of conditions with social impairments have grown, so have the availability of social skills training classes, in which a trained professional guides groups of like-aged kids to start and sustain conversations. Dr. Dunn has seen children who have prolonged trouble interacting with kids or adults, making friends, or are painfully shy really benefit from these classes. Ask your child’s doctor or guidance counselor for ideas, or check out this list maintained by the Asperger and Autism Network (AANE).

photo credit: Visual Punch via Photo Pin, cc

How Screens Sabotage Kids’ Sleep

January 6, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

It’s old news that children who have a television set in their rooms get less sleep than ones who don’t. But a big, multi-center study on fourth- and seventh-graders in the journal Pediatrics reveals that smaller screens have an even worse impact on rest. Whereas tykes with their own TV sets get an average of 18 fewer minutes of shuteye per night than other kids, children who sleep alongside handheld electronic devices like tablets and smartphones reported sleeping about 21 fewer minutes per night. They also report just feeling more tired, too.

If 21 minutes doesn’t seem like a lot, consider that most kids are already short on sleep. School-aged children need 10-11 hours; teens require around 9. And yet, studies have shown that only 15 percent of older kids get more than 8.5 hours per night. Some 60% get six or fewer hours. This can have wide ranging impacts: Kids with sleep deficits are more prone to obesity, attention disorders, depression, accidents, and even—this might be worth mentioning to your ‘tween if nothing else seems to resonate—acne.

Lots of parents set up a basket or bowl in which kids have to toss their devices during homework or dinnertime. These rules are meant to foster academic focus and familial relationships. But shouldn’t health be an equal if not greater impetus for a phone handover rule an hour or so before bedtime, too?

I know this is easy for me to say, having children who aren’t yet smartphone owners and therefore have few entertainment options keeping them awake at bedtime. (Nate the Great is a good read, but obviously not as compelling as an instant message from a crush from chemistry will one day surely be.) And yet, parting a kid from what we all know to be a near universally addictive object just makes sense. I know I struggle to tear myself away from my iPhone at bedtime (having my Kindle books and alarm clock on there doesn’t help). I can only imagine what it would be like to be a middle schooler and have unfettered and instant access to friends, boyfriends, gossip, and news. Just 21 minutes? I don’t know if my socially motivated, insecure ‘tween self would have had the self-control to stop there.

Which is why experts say it’s important to not blame or shame kids (i.e., you just can’t control yourself on that thing!) if you institute a rule of no phones and tablets in their rooms in the late evening and overnight. Explain that you’re not punishing them, but looking out for them. ‘Fess up about your own electronic dependencies, too, and walk the walk by leaving your phone charging in the kitchen or living room overnight. Will they balk? Naturally. But they’ll be healthier for it.

Have you found any successful strategies for establishing evening technology limits in your family? Share here, and get some more ideas from this printable family contract for smartphone use at Connect Safely.

Photo credit: John Karakatsanis via Photo Pin, cc

Keep Your Head this Holiday Season

December 9, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

This time of year, it’s tempting to throw routines and good judgment out the window and let the fun times, cocoa, and endless Nick Jr. holiday episodes flow. But the American Academy of Pediatrics, in their infinite and sober wisdom, knows that an emphasis on making the holidays perfectly “merry” can backfire, and have come up with some helpful reminders for staying sane even when you’re on the verge of descending into holiday madness. I came across these tips today and am thinking about tattooing them to my (Amazon one-click-ordering) hand for the remainder of December. Here they are, slightly condensed, via the AAP site Healthy Children.

Holiday Mental Health Tips

1. Take care of yourself. Just like they say on the airplane, “In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first, and then help children traveling with you to put theirs on.” Children respond to the emotional tone of their important adults, so managing your emotions successfully can help your children handle theirs better, too.

2. Make a plan to focus on one thing at a time. Try a few ideas from mindfulness as a strategy to balance the hustle and bustle of things like shopping, cooking, and family get-togethers during the holidays: Stop and pay attention to what is happening at the moment, focus your attention on one thing about it, notice how you are feeling at the time, withhold immediate judgment, and instead be curious about the experience.

3. Give to others. Make a new holiday tradition to share your time with families who have less than you do. Encourage an older child to join you in volunteering to serve a holiday meal at your local food bank or shelter. Help your child write a letter to members of the armed forces stationed abroad who can’t be home with their own family during the holidays. (More HHK ideas for this next week.)

4. Keep routines the same. Stick to your child’s usual sleep and mealtime schedules when you can to reduce stress and help your child and you enjoy the holidays.

5. Keep your household rules in effect. Adults still have to pay the bills and kids still need to brush their teeth before bedtime!

6. Teach the skills that children will need for the holidays in the weeks and months ahead. For example, if you plan to have a formal, sit-down dinner, practice in advance by having a formal sit-down dinner every Sunday night.

7. Don’t feel pressured to overspend. Think about making one or two gifts instead of buying everything. Help your child make a gift for his or her other parent, grandparents, or other important adults and friends. Chances are, those gifts will be the most treasured ones and will teach your child many important lessons that purchasing presents can’t.

8. Most important of all, enjoy the holidays for what they are – time to enjoy with your family. So, be a family, do things together like sledding or playing board games, spend time visiting with relatives, neighbors and friends.

Photo credit: Cat Planet Rocks My Socks via Photo Pin, cc