MENTAL HEALTH Archives - Page 4 of 4

Can Empathy Be Taught?

November 19, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

One of my greatest memories of living in New York City as a new parent is a simple one. It was six years ago, and my oldest son was two. We were playing around a fountain at a neighboring apartment complex, and a little girl was sitting cross-legged on the pavement, sobbing. My son stopped his scooter, looked at her for a moment, and then walked over to the child and solemnly embraced her for a minute or two. He didn’t know her, but wanted to hug her. I remember thinking at that moment: my son is kind. And it filled me with warm feelings. (Feelings I try to return to, in “Calgon, take me away” fashion, when that same son is yelling at his younger brother for breathing on his Lego ship without permission.)

Turns out there’s a good reason why that moment impacted me so much. A recent study suggests that the ability to demonstrate empathy at a very young age is a surprisingly good predictor of later behavior. University of Michigan researchers collected data on 240 children at age 3, and took note if they demonstrated certain behavioral red-flags, and then studied the children again at age 6. Turns out that preschoolers whose parents thought they showed “callous or unemotional” behavior, notably a lack of empathy, were especially likely to have behavioral problems in first grade. This lack of empathy was an even more powerful predictor of later trouble than traits like inattentiveness and defiance.

The silver lining of this glum finding, say researchers, is that empathy, unlike some other personal characteristics, can be successfully nurtured, especially in little kids. Study co-author and University of Michigan psychology professor Luke Hyde singled out Parent Management Training, a treatment model used by many child psychologists who care for families of conduct-challenged kids, as a good starting point for parents who want to help their little ones be kinder and more aware of others’ feelings.

On its Facebook page, the Parent Management Training Institute posted a piece about helping children learn empathy. They offer these three useful tips, which I paraphrase here. I hope to practice all three with my kids—even, and perhaps especially, my three-year-old—in the coming months.

Model empathic behaviors whenever possible. Isn’t this the case with so many good parenting practices? Talk often about how others are feeling, and how you might be able to help them.

When your child says something negative about a peer, counter them with positivity. It’s common for children to focus on something a person is doing wrong. When they voice a negative observation out loud—”Tara is bad at basketball,” is the example used by the PMTI—don’t just say, “that’s not nice.” Prompt them to be more understanding in the future by offering insights into possible reasons the target of the observation is having trouble (“Tara just started the sport; remember when you did?”) or pointing out other ways in which the person shines.

Be a storyteller of kindness. Kids often respond to true stories about kind deeds and actions more than abstract reminders. Tell them about how you or someone they know has lent a helping hand, or relate an inspiring story from the news.

I’m going to add a final one: Do something selfless together. Next week, look for a post about simple ways even the littlest members of your family can give to others in need this holiday season.

Photo credit: Theloushe via Photo Pin, cc

It’s O.K. to Not Always Be O.K.

November 4, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Do you try to hide messy emotions from your kids? I know I do—mostly out of a belief that parents need to be strong and stoic in order for children to feel “secure.”

This came to mind recently, when I found out that a beloved uncle had unexpectedly passed away. I got the call on a Friday, and my children were lounging on the couch reading nearby. They immediately sensed from my tone on the phone that something was wrong. I had no time to make sense of the call and “smooth over” my grief before my eight- and six-year-olds were on top of me with questions. As I told them what happened, the tears spilled over. But instead of being perplexed and disturbed, the boys solemnly embraced me. “I’m so sorry, mom,” they said.

Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, one-half of the parenting duo that hosts my favorite podcast, Zen Parenting Radio, is a strong believer in emoting in front of children—and, sometimes even trickier, allowing them to do the same. She eloquently expands on this in a chapter of her just-released second book, Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn: The Power of Self-Aware Parenting. She’s shared an excerpt with HHK, below.

Why feeling emotion is essential for you and your kids

(an excerpt from Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn: The Power of Self-Aware Parenting, Be U publishing, 2014)

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just feel the good feelings? If we could bypass what makes us feel disappointed, sad, or uncomfortable?

While it would be wonderful to just feel love, joy, and a sense of peace, emotions are a package deal. We either feel them all, or it’s difficult to feel anything at all.

This doesn’t mean we have to suffer when painful feelings arise. To illustrate what I mean, we can acknowledge anxiety without becoming a worrier. We can feel the injustice of something without flying into a rage. Emotions don’t have to become a mode of being.

Too often we feel something, then push it away for fear of becoming angry, weak, or extremely sad. When we do so, we suppress the natural signals our body sends us to keep us aware.

Denying what we are feeling leads to a state of repression. Shoved out of sight, the emotion morphs into a state, such as constant anxiety, impatience, or a critical spirit. Such dysfunctional patterns of behavior become a hallmark of our personality. Consequently, we’re mad at everything, but we don’t know why; or sad much of the time, without anything in particular causing us sadness in the moment.

Emotions aren’t the problem. It’s our inability to fully feel our emotions that gets us in trouble. If we would just allow a feeling to come up, let the tears flow, face up to whatever it’s about—such as what’s making us angry—the emotion wouldn’t fester. Once acknowledged and felt, it can be released. Then we don’t waste our valuable energy pretending not to feel a certain way when we obviously do, or telling ourselves and others that things don’t bother us when everyone can see how bothered we are.

Distracting ourselves from what we are feeling—denying our emotions—is commonly referred to as numbing. This takes many forms, such as excessive use of alcohol, overeating, indulging in drugs or medicating ourselves, being a shopaholic, spending all our spare time with technology, and staying busy, which is the most socially acceptable form of numbing. How often do we keep ourselves busy so that we don’t have to deal with how we’re truly feeling? By being perpetually busy, we keep our focus away from what’s going on inside us, preferring anything to having to feel.

The really sad part about this is that anything going on inside us isn’t trying to harm us. It doesn’t come into our lives to hurt us. Rather, it’s trying to heal us, moving us toward greater wholeness. Its objective is to help us let go of something we no longer need in our lives, which enables us to return to a more peaceful way of being.

Children get this. They know how to have a good cry, and they know how to express disapproval or call out something that seems unjust. But what do we do when they express what they are feeling? We order them to “stop it.” We tell them they are being manipulative, too dramatic, or insensitive. In this way, we teach them their emotions aren’t desirable. So they learn to numb out and pretend.

What if we felt our feelings instead? What if we actually accepted our emotions, neither reacting to them nor suppressing them, but allowing them to pass through us?

To take this approach to our emotions is to appreciate our body’s natural ability to release what it doesn’t need. It also empowers us to teach our kids to do the same. We could share tools that would help them appropriately discuss and release whatever they may be feeling. In this way they learn to honor their feelings.

All of us—parents and children—need to embrace our emotions as normal, as an essential aspect of being human. Whether it’s a good feeling or not-so-good feeling, we all need to give ourselves and each other permission to feel it fully.

To read more of Cathy Cassani Adams’ newest book, buy it at Amazon, here.

Photo credits: Top: Sara Bjork, via Photo Pin, cc; bottom, Cathy Cassani Adams

How-to: Fighting in Front of Your Kids

October 29, 2014 by Kelley 1 Comment

Okay, obviously this post isn’t an endorsement of brawling with your spouse in front of your children. But I’m hard-pressed to identify any couple who doesn’t get, shall we say, mutually testy from time to time, and if you live with kids, they’re going to pick up on it. They might not hear your 17 requests to remove the Lego bricks that somehow found their way to your shower floor, but if one parent so much as whispers something critical to the other, you can almost see their little ears perk up.

Turns out, kids learn a lot from the way their parents fight. Multiple studies have shown that young kids whose parents fight aggressively (physically or verbally) are at higher risk for depression, anxiety and behavior problems as they grow. But other research suggests that constructive disagreements—in which parents demonstrate affection and attempts to problem-solve—might actually make kids more empathetic and socially skilled than their peers.

To learn more about how exactly to role model healthy discord in front of the kids, I spoke with our advisory board member Erica Reischer, Ph.D, a psychologist and parenting coach who has her own blog, What Great Parents Do. In her practice, Dr. Reischer finds that “parenting problems” often stem from unresolved conflict between parents, and so she spends a lot of time working to foster more productive communication within couples. The trick, she says, isn’t to hide your fights from your children, but demonstrate respectful disagreement and—even more important—eventual resolution. Here are some keys to making that happen:

Question actions, not character. If you’re upset that your husband didn’t help out with the kids’ bath time like you’d asked, say that. There’s no need to throw words like “lazy” or “forgetful” into the mix. “Name calling, shaming, and hurting your partner’s feelings sends a particularly bad message to kids,” says Dr. Reischer.

Watch your tone even more than your volume. Yelling is normal in conflict—we all get agitated, and when we do the volume and pitch of our voice naturally rises, says Dr. Reischer. She’d rather parents focus less on lowering their voices and more on using respectful language and allowing others to speak. In other words: It’s worse to be quietly sarcastic than to loudly—but constructively—communicate your discontent.

Take a time-out if things get too heated. If you sense emotions are about to boil over, tell your spouse (and your kids, if they are present) that you need to take a grown-up time-out to yourself. This is better than taking it to another room, which just implies to kids that it’s okay to aggressively argue as long as it’s in private. “It’s good for kids to learn that they should take it upon themselves to go somewhere and cool off if need be,” Dr. Reischer says.

If you start a fight in front of the kids, make sure they see the kiss-and-make-up part, too. Even if you’ve shared words you wish you hadn’t, or one of you has stomped off in the middle of a fight, it’s still—if not even more—important to let them witness how you resolve the disagreement. Watching parents give some ground, see the other’s side, or even agree to disagree will not only make them kids feel better, it will also teach them the benefit of working together to solve difficult problems.

Photo credit: I’m Not Jack via Photo Pin, cc

Best TV for Big Kids

October 7, 2014 by Kelley 1 Comment

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that kids under 2 shouldn’t watch TV. That’s a shame: Not because I think toddlers would do better with more screen time, but because some of the most inventive television in the past decade has been designed for children their age, or just a little older. There are shows that encourage cognitive thinking skills (such as Blue’s Clues), shows that help kids recognize and handle feelings (like Ni Hao Kai-Lan), and just plain brilliant shows, including one with an original opera score (Wonder Pets). Flip through PBS’s Sprout or Nick Jr. if you haven’t lately, and you’ll see what I mean; each show is more creative, enriching, and, to borrow a phrase from The New Yorker TV critic and mom Emily Nussbaum, more gem-like than the next.

Photo credit: lmcsike via Shutterstock

But what happens when children outgrow talking animals and Kewpie-doll-eyed protagonists? They—and we—are faced with two major categories: battle-centric cartoons or sassy, snarky sitcoms. I’m not sure which is worse. While the animated action is largely bloodless, it’s still unabashedly violent, which is why I welcomed it when my 8-year-old asked if he could tune into Jessie rather than Ninjago one night a few weeks ago. Big mistake. After a couple of episodes, the know-it-all-‘tween banter had obviously struck a chord, and soon he was trying phrases like “that is soo depressing” on for size.

I took my dilemma to Sierra Filucci, executive editor of parenting content for Common Sense Media, a website devoted to reviewing and recommending screen choices for children. Turns out I’m not alone in thinking most big-kid TV stinks. “It is really hard to find quality, age-appropriate TV for older children,” she says. “This isn’t necessarily a new thing, but it can be very frustrating for parents who aren’t happy with what Disney and Nickelodeon have to offer this age group. Lots of ‘tween-targeted TV is funny to kids, but relies on stereotypes or sassy behavior that parents don’t always appreciate.” In other words, ‘tweens and pre-‘tweens are at an envelope-pushing stage in which fighting sequences and put-downs are appealing, edgy even. But left to their own devices, kids might also choose to wear flip-flops in February and eat candy for breakfast. It’s our job to guide them to better choices (as high-maintenance and helicopter-ish as that may sound).

The good news, says Filucci, TV shows that satisfy older kids and parents both exist: “You just have to look harder and rely on a variety of tools to find the good stuff.” That means it’s time to think outside the cable box. This may be hard for us, the last generation of parents who deign to channel surf. But our kids could be getting much more out of their TV experience for it. Here are some of Filucci’s top tips finding great programs, and her current picks for ages 5 and up.

1. Consider subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu and Amazon. “They offer some of the best and most original kids programs out there,” Filucci says. If you don’t have a streaming TV, you can view shows from these sites on a computer, tablet or smart phone.

2. Mine PBS, CBS and cable channels for quality reality shows. Many reality shows are appropriate for older kids, and are a great opportunity for parents and children to enjoy TV together. “I watch lots of cooking and animal shows with my kids—from Food Network, Cooking Channel, HGTV, and Animal Planet,” Filucci says.

3. Spring for DVR. The DVR (a digital video recording device, available via your cable or satellite service, TV or computer operating system) is a great tool for parents because you can essentially set up a lineup of shows for your children to choose from. It can also allow you to record more obscure stuff and watch it when you want it, and skip over the commercials—which can be a worse influence on our kids than many of the programs themselves.

Great Shows for Big Kids

Show	Network/Streaming Service	What It's About	Best for Ages..
Annedroids	Amazon	Follows misadventures of kid-genius scientist Anne and her amazingly real-life android creations.	5 and up
Haunted Hathaways	Nickelodeon	A single mom and her kids move into a house "haunted" by friendly and funny ghosts.	5 and up
Design Squad Nation	PBS	Kids perform games and experiments that explore STEM principles.	6 and up
Curiosity Quest	PBS	Host Joel Green travels the globe to answer kid-friendly conundrums (who started karate?)	6 and up
SciGirls	PBS	Real 'tween girls tackle technology and engineering activities.	6 and up
All in with Laila Ali	CBS	Ali follows real people who've overcome obstacles to do amazing things.	6 and up
How It's Made	Science	Shows how real-life objects (hockey skates, sparklers) are made.	7 and up
H2O: Just Add Water	Hulu/Amazon (spinoff Mako Mermaids is on Netflix)	Three girls hide the fact they're mermaids while coping with everyday teen challenges.	7 and up
Brain Games	National Geographic	Kids learn the science of the brain through interactive games and optical illusions.	8 and up
Amazing Race	CBS	Reality show of two teams racing each other across the world explores teamwork and problem solving.	10 and up
Doctor Who	BBC America	Classic sci-fi series portrays a human-like alien who resolves to protect the galaxy from evil.	10 and up

When the Bully is a Sibling

September 22, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Sibling rivalries are as old as Cain and Abel, and generally speaking, nowhere near so dramatic. It’s the rare parent of multiple children who doesn’t deal with squabbling or even screaming from time to time. But new research suggests that parents should scrutinize their kids’ relationships with one another a little more closely. A study by scientists at the University of Oxford found that kids who were bullied by their own siblings were twice as likely as other kids to suffer from depression and anxiety. “Forms of bullying where victims are shoved around the playground or targeted at work have been well documented,” says lead author Lucy Bowes, Ph.D. “However, this study uncovers a largely hidden form of bullying. Victims of sibling bullying are offered little escape as sibling relationships endure throughout development.”

Photo credit: Susan via Flickr, cc

That was the real eye opener for me. Sure, it’s hard enough for a child when there’s a bully in her class, on her bus, or at her lunch table. But what if the bully shares his toys? His dinner table? His bedroom? While educators are falling over themselves these days to implement bullying awareness and policies on school grounds, we parents tend to write off sibling-to-sibling struggles as a normal part of household dynamics. And yet, it makes perfect sense that when the power dynamic is lopsided enough, kids can feel there’s nowhere to turn, and the negative impact is lasting.

To be sure, bullying is different than garden-variety “fighting,” and the majority of sibling squabbles are just that. In the Oxford study, researchers defined sibling bullying as incidents of being ignored or verbally or physically abused by a brother or sister several times a week. Among 3,452 kids studied, 23 percent reported this level of bullying. (Interestingly, girls were more likely to be victims of bullying, and older brothers were most often the perpetrators.) Of the bullied children, 12% were clinically depressed, 16% had anxiety, and 14% attempted some kind of self harm (cutting, etc.) in the previous year. Those who said they were never bullied by a brother or sister were about half as likely to have these issues.

While it would be silly to freak out over every little battle your kids’ wage over the front seat or the remote control, it’s clearly important that we be a little more aware of the way they fight, and intervene when necessary (as exhausting as it can feel sometimes). HHK adviser Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a psychologist and mother of four who has seen her share of sibling squabbles, helped come up with some tips:

1. Watch how your kids interact. Look for power imbalances. When one child (typically the older sibling, but not always) is frequently starting the arguments, initiating physical fights, or talking badly about the other child, those are all red flags.

2. Treat sibling bullying as you would school bullying. Chances are, if you got a call from school and were told that your child is bullying a classmate, you’d take it seriously. It’s important to apply the same gravity to bullying at home. “I have a zero tolerance policy for bullying, both in and out of my home,” says Dr. Dunn. “If one of my children is exhibiting bullying behaviors towards someone else (sibling or not), I let them know that this is not acceptable behavior and that if they continue there will be consequences. And then I follow through. It’s important to make sure that the consequences reflect the seriousness of your zero tolerance policy and are of a currency that your children understand. For example, if one sibling is bullying another then the offender will be grounded from all electronic devices and extracurricular activities for one week. If they can’t shape up, then that will be extended.”

3. Teach your children to speak up if they’re feeling victimized. Often, we discourage kids from “tattling.” While it’s important that we teach children to stand up for themselves, that might feel impossible for a kid who’s cowed by an imposing brother or sister. Teach them the difference between a disagreement and a bullying situation, and make sure they feel comfortable coming to you or your spouse when they feel unable to stand their ground.

4. Foster situations in which your kids can work or play together peacefully. Whether they’re contending for the last roll at dinner or your attention after a long day, a sibling can easily feel like your child’s stiffest competition. Be careful not to stoke rivalries by comparing one to another, and make sure you build a little lighthearted communal downtime—walks, treat baking, family movie time—into their weeks. “Sibling relationships are so powerful because they know each other like no one else could,” says Dr. Dunn. “They grow up with the same parents, the same grandparents, the same homes, the same values, the same happy memories, and the same problems. Although each may be impacted differently, siblings can relate to each other in a way that no one else can.”

Why a Walk May Beat Circle Time

September 16, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Any parent knows that getting a young child from point A to B swiftly can feel like an exercise in futility and battle of wills. You can almost see their little brains churning with ideas to escape the shackles of your hand and check out things that are far more interesting than the car, the house, or the Shop Rite: the filthy garbage can across the parking lot, say, or perhaps the thicket of poison ivy behind it. When this sort of thing happens with my curious 2-year-old, and it does constantly, I usually resort to picking him up and carrying him, which frustrates us both.

But do you know that children as young as 8 months old are actually programmed to explore? And that when they do, they actually use techniques that are the building blocks for scientific study: including developing hypotheses and testing them, making predictions, and inferring the causes of failed actions?

These are the findings of Alice Gopnik, Ph.D, a leading child psychology researcher and thinker who’s also a professor at University of California, Berkeley. She presented this research a couple years ago, and has since been a vocal supporter of giving kids more opportunity to interact freely with their surroundings, in a non-structured way. This, of course, is in stark opposition to the growing trend of enrolling younger and younger kids in classes and nursery school programs. (Not to mention parking them in front of “educational” apps. Guilty!) “What we need to do to encourage children to learn is not to put them in the equivalent of school, tell them things, give them reading drills or flash cards,” Dr. Gopnik has said. “We really need to put them in a safe, rich environment where the natural capacities for exploration, for testing, for science can get free rein.”

Obviously, parking lots (or even unfenced yards, for that matter) aren’t the best places to let a young child roam. But one of my goals of the fall is to give my youngest—who spends far more time in classes, car seats, and shopping carts than either of his older brothers ever did—more time “off the leash,” so to speak. I’ve found that something as short and sweet as a walk down the street, or a destination-less stroll around our local pond, seems to fill him delight. He almost always finds something I would have never noticed. Somedays, it’s an old gum wrapper. But the other day, it was some Queen Anne’s Lace and a lone baby carrot growing in a patch in our garden that I thought we’d fully harvested last month. (Inevitably, in these distraction-free outings, I wind up questioning and then discovering something as well; for instance, did you know that Queen Anne’s Lace is also known as “wild carrot?”)

While the act of exploring is, as Dr. Gopnik suggests, an end unto itself, I’ve found it fun with my kids to bring along a notebook or, in the case of little ones, a sheet of paper and a crayon with which we can record our findings; sort of a nature “I Spy.” They can circle or draw what they see, and be able to “report on” their discoveries with other family members later. Here’s a template of what I’ve been bringing along on our walks. Click on the image below and you can print it out for yourselves. It should be about 8 inches square when cut out, easy to fold up and tuck in a pocket.

Happy trails!

Making a Paper Airplane (and a Memory)

September 8, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

A little over a week ago, my oldest son and I spent a morning making paper airplanes together.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

It started out as a school assignment for summer break, teachers’ idea of reacquainting kids with the scientific method in between Popsicles and pool time. The photocopied assignment encouraged him to make a paper airplane, measure how far it could travel, make adjustments, and re-test for distance.

He was inspired to take on the assignment on a Tuesday morning. (I use the term “inspired” loosely; I told him he could decide between the paper airplane assignment and a double-digit subtraction with regrouping worksheet.) He asked me if I could help, and it took everything I had to ignore the congealed pancake batter on the kitchen counter, his little brother’s sopping-wet diaper, and the fact that we were all still in our pajamas at 10:30 a.m. We gathered some computer paper, and my son crafted a basic design—sharp nose, flat, triangulated wings. It nosedived just short of 10 feet.

We did what any person living in this century would do: Googled, “best paper airplane.” The first link was to an Instructables site that promised to recreate the paper airplane that won the world distance record. I was dubious: It felt like an Internet version of your grandma’s sauce-speckled old spaghetti recipe: hard to read, hard to follow, and demanding improvisation at every turn. But my son was adamant that this looked like the real deal. We sweated though every step of the tutorial, squinting, re-folding, and occasionally debating which corners and creases the author was referring to.

When we finally finished, the plane looked a lot like the one on the site. My son pinched the plane’s underside, pointed its snub nose slightly upward, and let fly. It sailed and sailed—37 feet from approximately one side of our house to another (luckily, we have an open floor plan). We looked at each other in astonishment—and started cracking up. I don’t know why it was so funny—sheer amazement that the puzzling instructions delivered, perhaps—but I do know it’s been awhile since my oldest son and I have belly laughed together. It was a truly satisfying moment, aerodynamically and interpersonally.

The exercise reminded me of a short essay written by my favorite college professor, the writer John McPhee. His story “The Silk Parachute” was originally published in the New Yorker, and anthologized in a slim collection of the same name. (My mother-in-law gave me the volume, which you can purchase here; it is a truly wonderful gift for yourself or anyone.) In the piece, McPhee claims, tongue-in-cheek, that he can’t quite recall the many times his overburdened, demonstrative mother harangued him over one youthful misadventure or another. What he will not forget, however, is the time she took him to a local airstrip to watch the planes coming and going, sat patiently for hours, and then bought him a toy parachute in the gift shop afterward. I’ve read and re-read this story several times, because it helps remind me how important small, but totally focused windows of relaxed one-on-one time are to children amidst the chaos of everyday life. They are the stuff memories are made of, and they are worth our time, no matter how many breakfast dishes go unwashed in the process.

I’m sorry if all this time you’ve just been waiting for the instructions on how to make the best paper airplane. Check them out here. It makes for a fun weekend morning.

Bedtime Help for Big Kids

August 23, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

When our kids are babies and toddlers, parenting books and articles drill into us the importance of a so-called “bedtime routine.” We’re told that things like warm baths, dim lights, and quiet stories, especially when repeated in a certain order night after night, can help soothe kids into a blissful sleep. Many of us diligently follow this advice when our kids—especially our first kids, let’s be honest—are young. (My oldest child was even treated to a nightly “baby massage,” a perk that went the way of the diaper-wipe warmer and bottle sterilizer by the time his first brother arrived on the scene.) But what happens when they grow out of the Goodnight Moon stage? If they can bathe, dress, and maybe even read to themselves—and frankly aren’t begging you to join them at any step along the way to dreamland—what is our role at bedtime?

Photo by: Chris

Turns out, older children can benefit from our guidance and presence before bed, too, says Polly Dunn, Ph.D., an HHK advisoryboard member, child psychologist in Auburn, AL, and mom of four. Many have trouble managing homework time and turning off electronics, which can push back an ideal bedtime hour. According to a survey last spring by the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), our kids’ sleep quality declines steadily as they grow, and one-quarter of parents say their school-aged kids get one hour less of sleep each night than they need. Plus, while older children aren’t likely to fuss about the dark or scary noises coming the closet anymore, they may be grappling with bigger-world concerns and uncertainties, which can cause delayed or disrupted sleep even after they turn their lights out. This is particularly true during times of transition—like now. “Keeping kids relaxed at bedtime is hard no matter what their age, especially with the anxieties that accompany the start of the school year,” says Dr. Dunn. Revisiting old friends, meeting new teachers, and anticipating fresh academic challenges can feel like a big deal. Even if a child doesn’t seem worried, or expresses only excitement, they may still be dealing with sleep-impacting stress—which is formally defined as a bodily response to any type of change, good or bad.

Of course, it’s tempting to leave older children to their own devices at bedtime, especially if you’re busy tucking in their younger brothers and sisters. But enforcing some bedtime rules and checking in from time to time are just as important for big kids as little ones—if not more. As it stands, only 58% of us enforce any rule when it comes to kids’ bedtimes, says the NSF. With the help of Dr. Dunn and the NSF, I’ve listed some ways to help facilitate rest without being a helicopter parent about it (because who appreciates helicopters, especially when you’re trying to sleep?)

1. Set a real, non-negotiable bedtime for school nights. Count back from the time your child needs to get up for school, and be honest about how much sleep they’re getting. Kids ages six and up need 10 or 11 hours asleep every night. This can feel impossible when a child is faced with 7:30 pm hockey practice or two hours of homework. (According to the NSF survey, evening activities and homework push back children’s sleep more than any other factors.) Carefully plan and scrutinize your child’s activity schedule to make sure that late-evening obligations are minimal, and make sure they start their homework as early in the day as possible so they aren’t scrambling to finish at bedtime, which just adds to stress. On occasion, you may have to put a cap on an activity or assignment that is stretching too far into the evening. Because a shortage of sleep is strongly correlated with learning and behavior difficulties, those enriching extracurriculars can actually backfire, and do more harm to your child’s performance than good.

2. Make sure electronic devices are turned off and inaccessible in the hour or so before bedtime. When I was an elementary-schooler, the electronic obstacles to bedtime were The Cosby Show and Cheers. Now, our kids—and us—have to contend with computers, phones, tablets, and Wii, along with the TV. The problem is, those blue screens aren’t just distracting, but the light they emit can actually interfere with certain hormones that regulate sleep, causing our bodies to think it’s daytime when it’s nighttime. But resisting those screens requires active disengagement, which is something most parents can understand, as we too can be lured by the siren call of a beckoning blue screen. (The NSF estimates that one-quarter of parents read or send a text or email after they have initially fallen asleep at least one night a week.) So make sure that phones, tablets and computers are turned off, or better yet, removed from your child’s room just before bedtime. Reading or listening to a book—even older children enjoy being read to—or listening to music is a better bet for relaxation.

3. Try to set aside a few minutes with your child in their room before bed to talk to them about their day, and the day ahead. And make sure he knows it’s okay to lay it all on the table—the good, the bad, and the ugly, Dr. Dunn reminds us. If you make a huge deal out of every setback or concern your child has, he’ll be far less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. So give them time, space, and quiet to talk. If you think something they say needs to be addressed, set some time to revisit the topic with them the following day, but allow nighttime to be more about downloading than dialogue. “The problems might not be solvable at that moment, but talking is so much better for them than keeping their feelings bottled up inside,” says Dr. Dunn.

4. If talking to you isn’t relaxing for her, try some creative tools to help her unwind. When one of Dr. Dunn’s daughters struggled with anxiety before bedtime, she bought her some worry dolls—those tiny, soft figurines, traditional to Central America, with which people “share” their concerns with at night. She was shocked by how effective they were. “Essentially she told the dolls all of her worries, put the dolls under her pillow, and allowed the dolls to worry for her so she could get some sleep,” says Dr. Dunn. Calming scents like lavender can also be helpful for getting kids to relax before bed, she adds.

Photo by: Ed Dale

Maya Tradition Worry Dolls, $10 for one dozen

Cloud b. Aroma Sleep Aids, Twilight Lady Bug, $13

Elixir of Dreams Pillow Mist, $13 for 3.6 oz.

5. If problems persist, see a specialist. If your child’s sleep problems seem to be related to anxiety, his pediatrician or school counselor can help put you in touch with a psychologist who can delve deeper into his worries and offer some more individualized advice. If stress doesn’t seem to be an issue, and you’ve done everything you can to improve your child’s “sleep hygiene”—which includes limiting caffeinated beverages after noon and making sure the bedroom is a comfortable temperature, along with the ideas above—it may be time to consult a sleep specialist. The NSF has a searchable directory of experts on its website, here.

Win-Win: Chores Are Good for Kids, Too

August 16, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

A strange thing happened one hot afternoon in the middle of the summer: My six-year-old found a bucket in the garage and a Magic Eraser under the sink and declared was going to start a new business. He called it his “Cleaning System” and let me know he was available to clean any part of the house that was dirty. “You know, walls, messy beds, whatever,” he said.

This struck me as strange since, while not exactly Pigpen, he isn’t a particularly tidy child. He and his older brother are responsible for making their beds, setting the table, and picking up their rooms, but follow-through can be spotty. They also both have a habit of discarding underpants, Lego bricks and Popsicle sticks in inexplicable areas of the house. If he was looking for some extra dough, I’d expect him to play more to his strengths: perhaps an “Old MacDonald” concert on his electric piano. But I wasn’t about to ask too many questions. I pointed him toward some grungy, dead-housefly-speckled window sills, offered a buck as incentive, and poured myself some iced tea.

While parents may differ on whether kids should be compensated beyond room and board for chores—a 2011 survey by American Express showed that majority of us are willing to shell out at least a little something—most agree it’s important for kids to help out around the house. And that seems true even—and perhaps especially when—their labors are not “necessary” for family survival. In an oft-cited 2009 scholarly article on childhood responsibilities, UCLA anthropologists presented a case study of a six-year-old Peruvian child who not only regularly fished for her family’s meals, but cooked the catch and served it too. The vast majority of today’s American kindergarteners don’t need to harvest or prepare their own dinners—most of us would prefer they stay as far away from the cooktop as possible—but insisting they clear their plates and maybe even rinse them too is hardly too much to ask, and may nudge them to think beyond their own wants and needs in ways a Peruvian child has been forced to since the time she could toddle. In an article on its Healthy Children website, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) puts it this way: “Children need to have some obligations and duties within the family, or they will not learn to accept responsibility. In unstructured home environments, or in families that are very permissive and where little is expected of children, youngsters are losing out on some valuable learning experiences, and their development of a sense of responsibility and initiative may not happen until later in life, if ever.” Ouch.

What’s more, being tasked with household duties at a young age can boost lifelong mental health. In a now-famous longitudinal study of men by Harvard University researchers (now chronicled in a book, Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study), childhood industriousness—measured as having jobs outside or in the house—was an even more important factor than certain familial bonds in predicting a positive adulthood. Even though we all know it’s quicker, easier, and far more effective to make a preschooler’s bed on our own, encouraging your little one to do it might shape her character and outlook in incremental, yet powerful, ways.

Ironically, our modern-day, crazy-busy schedules can make it tough to devise and make time for our kids to carry out household tasks. It may take a whole lot of planning, reminding, and redoing, at least initially. In the AAP’s Healthy Children page about chores, the AAP has provided these useful tips for getting your kids on board. Take note; and then take a breather. Your child really can sort the silverware, and may even enjoy it, if you’d just give her a chance.

1. Carefully spell out the tasks your child must perform. Make sure she understands what is expected of her on a daily and a weekly basis. Star charts or chore lists posted in your youngster’s room or on the refrigerator should clearly show what your expectations are. With a school-age child, particularly one who has not taken on responsibilities before, you should introduce one new task at a time; if you spring a long list on her, she will probably fail and rebel.

2. Honest praise from you can be the most effective way of motivating your child and guaranteeing her success. As your youngster completes a regular task, praise her and the job she did. Initiating tasks on her own without a reminder, completing a special task or doing an unusually good job with a regular one might merit a reward of some sort. You may also want to consider tangible rewards like allowances and stickers tied to completed chores.

3. Your child may be greatly helped in remembering to do chores if your family life has a structure and routines. Encourage her to do her chores at the same time each day. Routines of other activities – including meals, homework, play and bedtime – also can teach organization and help her develop responsibility.

4. Schedule weekly family meetings to review your child’s progress. Ask her to discuss her ideas about chores and other responsibilities. Create new or modified “contracts” of the chores that are expected of her. Most important, supervise and support your child, which is the best way to ensure that she is being responsible.

5. When your youngster does not complete her chores and other responsibilities, it may be necessary to discipline her. For example, you might decide to revoke certain privileges or special activities that mean a lot to her. Although some parents may feel that badgering or scolding a child to the point of starting an argument will get her to accept more responsibility, this approach is rarely effective. Rewarding successes and providing encouragement is always much more effective.

Guilt Buster: A Little Video Games OK

August 12, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Now here’s a head scratcher: A little time playing video games actually may be better for kids than not playing video games at all, according to Oxford University researchers. In a study of nearly 5,000 British children between ages 10 and 15, those who played for up to an hour a day were happier, more sociable, and less hyperactive than peers who played more than that (no surprise) or not at all (what?!)

To be sure, parents who allow kids to dabble in video games —some 95 percent of us, it seems—aren’t likely doing so out of any character-building or behavior-modifying aspirations. We allow a little video game time because it seems, well, fun. But the study authors suggest that this is precisely the point. “Games provide a wide range of novel cognitive challenges, opportunities for exploration, relaxation and socialization with peers,” researchers write. “Like non-digitally mediated forms of child play, games may encourage child well-being and healthy social adjustment.”

Photo by: sean dreilinger via photopin cc

In other words, when played in moderation, these games give our kids license to chill out and bond with their friends, which aren’t bad things. Just take care to make smart choices when buying or downloading. While the study didn’t address the type of video games that were being played, experts warn against exposing kids games that contain rated R content, especially violence. (Common Sense Media is a great website that rates many video games and provides suggested age ranges.) Parental controls on the TV and computer are no-brainers, too. And don’t forget: Put a timer on playtime. (Literally. I’ve found a simple kitchen timer by the computer works wonders.) A little bit may be better than none at all, but too much gaming isn’t good for anyone—especially kids.