“Hacks” are hot on the Internet, especially in the realm of parenting. There are hacks to keep your tot busy (inflate a baby pool in the living room!), hacks for keeping pacifiers clean (use empty take-out soy sauce containers!) and even hacks for getting repurposing a crib beyond the baby years (turning it into a kid’s desk is an idea that I can assure you would not go over with my 9-year-old). Some of these hacks are really clever, but many feel forced—overthought masquerading as “ease.”
I’ve long thought that what I could really use, hack-wise, is not so much a method for, say, making baby puff treats out of a Play-doh confetti maker; but rather some ideas for quick and effective connection with my child. We all have moments when we just aren’t getting through to them, and in my case, this usually happens when we are out, on the move, or have something to do or somewhere to be. And even in the most relaxed, opportune scenarios, I find that once you start heading down a wrong road, conversationally, with a child, it’s hard to find your way back.
Enter Erica Reischer, Ph.D, psychologist and parenting consultant at the University of California, UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital, and the San Francisco Zen Center. (She’s also, I’m proud to say, a Happy Healthy Kids’s advisory board member.) Dr. Reischer has a great blog, and recently, she wrote a post entitled, Five Little Known Parenting Hacks that Take Less than a Minute. Her ideas are simple, yet deeply meaningful (and, as with all of her tips, research-based). With her permission, I’m reprinting them here.
1. Pivot
Pivoting is the art of saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, and meaning the same thing.
So instead of saying: “No, we can’t go to the park until after you have a nap,” pivot and say: “Yes, we can go to the park as soon as you’re done with your nap.” Or: “Yes, you can borrow the car as soon as you finish your homework.”
The message is the same, but the tone is completely different, and saying “yes” gives kids a lot less to argue with.
2. Reframe
Reframing is engaging kids’ imagination and sense of play in order to create the behavior you would like to see.
A fascinating study of four-year-olds shows the power of this strategy: Researchers first asked the kids to stand still for as long as they could. The kids didn’t last very long: usually less than a minute. Then the researchers asked the kids to pretend that they were guards at a factory. Now, the kids were able to stand still almost four times as long. Why? Because they were imaginatively engaged in the activity.
You will also see reframing at work in many preschools when everyone sings the “clean-up song” while the kids put away toys and organize the room.
3. Give a (legitimate) reason
In our busy lives as parents, we may not even notice ourselves barking out “do’s” and “don’ts” to our kids: “Get your shoes on now,” “Turn off the computer,” “Stop that,” and so on. Then we get frustrated when they ignore us or resist doing what we’ve asked.
Here we have the beginnings of a power struggle. But we may be able to sidestep the power struggle if we help kids understand why we are asking—that is, give them a reason. For example: “Please go get your shoes on now. We have to leave in one minute or we’ll be late to pick up your friends and that would not be nice manners.” (Note: “Because I said so” is not a reason–and will probably lead to more power struggles or secrecy).
This strategy will not guarantee immediate compliance with your requests, but it will show your kids that you are making reasonable requests and also models the importance of using good reasons to motivate behavior.
4. Empathize
Empathy, as I’ve previously written, is the most powerful tool we have as parents.
When we practice empathy with our kids, we show respect for their feelings and their reality (which are often different from ours). We show that we are listening, and that we understand–or are trying to understand–their point of view.
When you don’t know to do in a situation, practice empathy. When you have to insist on something or follow through on consequences, practice empathy. For example: “Sweetie, I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt. It feels itchy to you. You wish you didn’t have to wear it.”
Please note that practicing empathy does not oblige you to change or fix anything about the situation. This is an important distinction. You can empathize with your son’s frustration at having to wear a seatbelt without the need to take it off.
5. Replace “But” with “At the same time…”
After all of that empathizing to create connection with your kids (see #4 above), don’t negate it by saying “But…” (As in: “I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt, but it keeps you safe so you have to do it.”) Instead, keep the connection you established through empathy by conveying that kids’ feelings are important even when they can’t be honored.
How? Say “At the same time” rather than “But.” As in: “Sweetie, I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt. At the same time, the seatbelt keeps you safe in the car so we all wear seatbelts when we drive somewhere (give a reason).”
Note that strategies #4 and #5 can actually work well with people of all ages—including your spouse, friends, and co-workers.
For more advice from Dr. Reischer, and a free copy of her guide, “The 10 Things Great Parents Do,” sign up here.
photo credit: Fica o gosto via Photo Pin, cc
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