relationships Archives - Happy Healthy Kids

Summer Craft Project that Gives Back: Kindness Rocks

July 13, 2017 by Kelley Leave a Comment

My son, Thomas, loves to collect interesting things he finds on the pathways that we hike on around our neighborhood. We’ve even made him a box where he stashes his treasures, which currently include three acorns, a few shiny pebbles, a styrofoam bird, and a little stuffed skunk.

But now, what we’re really on the lookout for are kindness rocks. Have you heard about this new craze, sweeping towns from Cape Cod, MA to Cape May, NJ this summer? Basically, kids and parents are gathering up smooth rocks, painting them with colorful or inspiration designs, and placing them throughout nature for people to discover.

Yesterday, my youngest son and I got in on the fun, painting some rocks after he was finished with camp for the day. I loved the idea that we could do a craft that had a life and purpose beyond mouldering alongside the art projects that I still haven’t organized from the last day of school.

I leaned toward rainbows, he tended toward spiders and Pollock-esque polka dots, but we both had a really nice time painting, and talking about where we were going to plant our creations and who—neighbor Chloe? mailperson Barb?—might come upon them.

This morning, just after a rainstorm, we decided to plant a rainbow rock at the edge of the pond at the end of our street. My son was a little sad to part with it, but ultimately decided that it’s sometimes even more fun to give than receive. A lesson as valuable in the heat of summer as at holiday time.

Some tips about creating and distributing your kindness rocks:

-If you can’t find relatively smooth rocks in your immediate area, hardware and garden supply stores sell smooth gray rocks (often called Mexican Beach pebble, $11 at Amazon for 30 lbs.), which are perfect for the project, at a very low price.

-Acrylic paint like this colorful sampler ($8, Amazon), with small brushes like these ($6, Amazon), work great. Invest in a spray can of clar UV/moisture protecting spray (like Krylon’s Crystal Clear Acrylic Coating aerosol spray, $10 at Amazon), which will protect your designs from the elements.

-Refrain from putting your rocks in national parks, or any other public spaces that have a “leave no trace” policy. Think about well-trod pathways around ponds and woodlands, or even grassy parks or playgrounds, near you.

Best TV for Preschoolers

March 1, 2017 by Kelley Leave a Comment

A couple years back, I wrote a post—one of this site’s most popular, ever—about the best TV shows for teens and ‘tweens. I had dug into the topic because it seemed that all the great children’s television was (and has always been) reserved for little kids. That remains true—almost, dare I say, maddeningly so. With Netflix, Amazon, cable, and other streaming sites constantly rotating similarly splashy looking, “enriching” tot bait, finding a great program for my Pre-K’er is like trying to pick out the best piece of hay from a haystack. I don’t even know where to look first first anymore.

I realize that homing in on “TV shows” makes me sound like a borderline Luddite. Like many of his peers who could tap and swipe before they could speak full sentences, my five-year-old will almost always pass up a TV show in favor of trying to propel Mr. Crab to the top of a perpetually rotating vertical obstacle course on the iPad. But the fact is, while the science on this subject is early and mixed, from my mom perch, I do see benefits to my kids watching “passive” television and movies rather than frenetically “interacting” with apps. Mr. Crab makes my son, well, crabby. But when he watches a good show, especially when curled up next to one of his brothers or parents, his little body seems to relax. Some days, that’s just what the situation calls for.

As when I reviewed big-kid TV, I reached out to the fantastic thinkers at Common Sense Media, my go-to site for children’s movie, TVs and game reviews, for recommendations on preschool shows that really raise the bar when it comes to unique themes or lessons. Polly Conway, TV editor for the site, shared five of her current top picks. Two are probably familiar to you; the others might be new discoveries.

Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood
Inspired by the gentlest media of our own generation, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, it’s no surprise this program is a critical darling. Kids learn social cues, citizenship lessons, and a smattering of letter and number knowledge along with the curious little tiger cub who stars in the show.
Watch it: PBS Kids

Doc McStuffins
Another exemplar of getting little kids to think about social-emotional concepts, Doc also emphasizes the fun of imaginative play, the importance of caring for others, and as a bonus, good hygiene. The Common Sense Media review of the show lauds how it pokes a few subtle holes into stereotypes, with Doc’s mom away at work most of the day and dad helping out at home.
Watch it: Disney Junior

The Stinky and Dirty Show
One of a growing number of gems produced by Amazon, Stinky and Dirty “is a great new show that helps preschoolers learn teamwork and communication,” says Conway. Based on a series of books by Jim and Kate McMullan, two hard-working, fun-loving friends—a garbage truck and backhoe loader—are constantly faced with challenges they must overcome together. The animation and dialogue are first-rate.
Watch it: Amazon

Word Party
“This is a fun one from Netflix that lets kids be the teachers to a group of even younger learners,” says Conway. This unique premise is inspirational to little kids who might constantly feel like they’re on the receiving end of instruction from remote grown-ups. For toddlers and younger preschoolers, there’s some real skill development to be found here; and they seem to find the baby animals, created by Jim Henson’s production company, mesmerizing to watch.
Watch it: Netflix

Puffin Rock
Also from Netflix, Conway says her personal fave is a “beautifully animated, gentle and sweet show that teaches empathy and a little environmental science.” Puffling Oona, her baby brother, and pals explore notions of friendship, family bonds, and appreciation for nature. A perfect wind-down pick.
Watch it: Netflix

For more preschool show ideas, check out Common Sense Media reviews here and here. What are your family’s top picks for shows for the preschool set? Clue us in to more ideas in the comments here or on our Facebook page.

photo credit: donnierayjones Relaxed Twinning via photopin (license)

Top Kids’ Health Headlines of 2016

December 30, 2016 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I think we can all agree that 2016 was a news roller coaster —at turns nauseating, exciting, and just plain sobering. And the output of fascinating headlines included an unusual amount of news relevant to parents and kids. Here are five family-centric health topics that caught my attention last year, and are good to catch up on if you haven’t already. What am I missing? Be sure to comment here or on Facebook to let me know. Happy New Year to you and yours…and thanks so very much for reading.

Screen Time for Tots O.K.—As Long as Parents Get Involved. For the past decade, parents have struggled to heed American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommendations banning any and all screen-time for kids under 2. But now, conceding the ubiquitousness of digital media in all our lives, the AAP have updated their guidelines to not include an age floor for screen use—but instead encourages parents to be more proactive in how, what, and for how long kids of all ages watch. They recommend printing out and sticking to a Family Media Use plan like this one that encourages careful vetting of games and shows, time for outdoor play and exercise, and putting phones and tablets “to bed” when kids do.

HPV Vaccination Works—But Not Enough Kids Are Getting It. The prevalence of the cancer-causing human papilloma virus (HPV) in teen girls has dropped impressively—by 64%—since the HPV vaccine was introduced a decade ago. And yet, just 42 percent of girls and 22 percent of boys between the ages of 13 and 17 are getting the recommended 3-dose vaccine series. A just-released study in Pediatrics suggests that pediatricians take a more formal approach to getting families on board—presenting it clearly as one of the recommended vaccines for kids rather than launching an open-ended conversation about it over the course of a well visit.

Dads are Crucial to Kids’ Healthy Development. Shifting family dynamics have gotten more fathers involved in childcare, but old stereotypes and gender norms still perpetuate the notion that moms are the emotional center of kids’ lives. New research and guidelines may change that perception: In a rigorous review of recent research on fatherhood, the AAP released a clinical report showing that dads’ involvement is a stronger predictor of kids’ health and success than many might assume. Among their findings: Healthy “horseplay” often initiated by dads may challenge children to be more confident in taking risks; the amount of father communicates with a child at age 3 may be one of the chief predictors of kids’ later verbal ability; and teens with involved dads are less likely to engage in risky behavior or suffer from depression. Michael Yogman, M.D., chair of the AAP Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health and co-author of the report, goes so far as to suggest that pediatricians start giving dads, specifically, a prescription at infant well visits: “Play with your baby every day.”

Zika Hits Home—and the Impact Goes Beyond Microcephaly. A little more than a year after we started reading about the devastating effects of the mosquito-borne virus in South America, cases of Zika started popping up in Florida in July 2016. The spread, at least domestically, seems to have been contained by now, but public health officials warn that warm weather in 2017 could bring about more cases—and more dangers. A new study in the New England Journal of Medicine, suggests that damage during fetal development from the mosquito-borne virus can occur throughout pregnancy, and that other birth defects are even more common than microcephaly, when babies are born with very small heads. Given Zika and the increase in tick-borne illness diagnoses in kids, it’s more important than ever that parents get as serious about applying an effective insect repellent to kids—and themselves, especially if pregnant—as they’ve become about slathering on sunscreen. We’ve listed the most effective safe bug sprays, here.

U.S. Kids are Heating Healthier, But… Finally, some good news on the kid diet front: Brown University research on children’s eating patterns between 1999 and 2012 reveals that kids are eating more whole grains, whole fruits, dairy, and protein from seafood and plants. They’re also laying off sugary foods and drinks more than ever before. But: they continue to eat too much salt and not enough vegetables—even fewer veggies than previous, less health-conscious generations consumed, say Brown epidemiologists. Here are some HHK ideas for some simple, kid-friendly veggie side dishes, and 25 superfoods—including seven vitamin-packed vegetables—worth trying on your children.

The Next Great Parenting Book

August 11, 2016 by Kelley Leave a Comment

When I launched this blog two summers ago, my first goal was assembling an advisory board of world-class pediatric health and wellness experts to field questions whatever topic was on my mind (or under my skin) from week to week. I was thrilled when psychologist and parenting coach Erica Reischer, Ph.D became one of the first brave souls to sign on to this unknown, somewhat health-wonky venture, and now I’m not the least bit surprised that she’s now having a book published: What Great Parents Do.

If you’ve read the blog that inspired the book, you know Dr. Reischer has a knack for giving science-based tips that are both practical and soulful at the same time. Above all, a mom herself, she tells it like it is, and inspires us to do better without ever making us feel small when we’re frazzled or frustrated. Some topics she tackles:

-Handling (without fixing) kids’ discomforts and down-moments (look for more on this in an excerpt from her book about boredom in an upcoming post)

-Helping kids get comfortable by practicing the hard stuff (like greeting grown-ups, not acing their times tables)

-Understanding how kids’ still-growing brains are responsible for some of their worst behavior

-And ditching empty praise to teach kids a real road map for success: what she calls the 3 Ps (practice, patience, and perseverance).

It’s the type of book that you’ll want to keep on your bedside or start-up page to refer to in bits and pieces when you catch a moment (or need some motivation). If you’re one of the first 500 people to pre-order the book now, here, before it goes officially goes on sale on Aug. 16, you’ll get a bonus copy of Dr. Reischer’s how-to guide 5 Simple Steps to Get Kids to Listen *Without* Nagging or Yelling (Who couldn’t use that this time of year???)

Less Homework, More Home Work

July 26, 2016 by Kelley 1 Comment

Plenty of summertime pleasures from our childhoods are going the way of the Dodo—kick the can, Kool-Aid, fireflies—but perhaps none are as much as an understandable bummer for our kids than a break from homework. Sure, there was the odd handout of suggested reading lists, which may have motivated my mother to nudge me past the Babysitters Club section of the sandy-floored Atlantic Bookshop on Rehoboth Beach boardwalk. But today’s children come home from their last day of school not only with “required” reading lists, but also composition books, workbooks, and a laundry list of assignments and expectations. And I admit, after reading about the “summer slide” when it comes to kids’ knowledge, I’ve embraced this new-school-order, and enforce—there’s no other word for it—10 minutes or so of homework most days we’re home.

The other day, after my boys were literally rolling on the hardwood floors in despair over the prospect of starting the requisite summer letter to their new teachers, I wondered if perhaps there was a better, more creative, more merciful way to keep kids’ brains from turning to slush over the summer. I sent an email to a fellow blogger who writes about educational theory: former middle school teacher and creator of The Cult of Pedagogy, Jennifer Gonzalez. I was wondering if you might be willing to get back to me with some of your favorite, experience- or research-based ideas for keeping children’s minds engaged during the lazy, hazy, unstructured days of summer, I wrote her. Beyond homework.

Jennifer’s reply surprised me. First, she admitted that despite the fact that her blog focuses on helping kids learn, she, too, feels like she’s falling short in the summer mental enrichment department, too. During unstructured hours, she says, she ends up letting her kids spend far more time on their devices than she thinks she should. However, she writes, I can say that one thing I’m doing this summer is to give them more hands-on work in the house. During the school year we are usually so rushed to “get things done” that I don’t have the patience to let them do a lot of household chores or cook their own food. And I rarely remember to follow up and make sure they did them. But this summer I’m having them wash dishes, take out the trash and recycling, and pick up dog poop on a regular schedule. When they ask if they can cook something, the answer is usually “yes,” and I am even able to get them to clean up after themselves with some level of satisfaction. To me, this is stimulating in a different way than academic enrichment or summer activities would be. It’s teaching them the kind of responsibility and skills they will need to function as citizens, as roommates, and as members of their own families someday.

How simple, and smart. With more time in their days, fewer clothes to dirty, and tools like hoses at the ready, summer is, of course, the ideal time to begin getting kids into the habit of more “home work.” Plus, though I’ve written before about how kids can benefit from doing work around the house, research supporting this theory has only grown since I wrote that post. A recent survey of more than 5000 parents by the smartphone data company Pollfish found that those who insist on regular chores are more likely to report their kids as being successful in school and in relationships.

You can find loads of age-appropriate chore charts in the blogosphere—and a hilarious send-up of the genre by a psychologist mom, here. So, without foisting yet another to-do list for child enrichment on readers who probably master the chore game better than me, I’ll simply share a few of the best ideas I’ve found for getting kids into a more helpful mindset for the balance of summer—with seasonal needs and realism in mind.

Use preschoolers as “helpers.” We all know that getting kids to do chores can be a chore in itself, and that’s ten-fold for littles. Rather than set them out on a task solo, have them work alongside you more often. Some good ideas for this age group:
–Pulling weeds
-Scrubbing car mats
-Wiping down a picnic or patio table
-Rounding up backyard toys before dinnertime
-Putting socks into pairs

Give 6- to 12-year-old “real” jobs—and don’t hover. Children this age are old enough to be decently helpful, but they—and you—will only get frustrated if you nitpick. Show them a technique once, if need be, and then let them be. Some summer tasks that are worth dishing out to elementary schoolers:
-Watering plants and flowers
-Washing car exteriors
-Cleaning and hosing down garbage cans
-Organizing toys in the garage
-Folding—or at least putting away—their own laundry

Make a Job Jar. I’m not a huge fan of “making a game” out of anything that seems unpalatable for kids, but this strategy for getting children on board with chores is pretty simple and has been well received in our house. Label a mason jar and put folded up pieces of paper labeled with chores that need to get done—think of things that have been hanging over your head for awhile, like finding lost library books or cleaning underneath couches—inside. Once a week, let kids pick from the job jar (and maybe actually earn a few bucks for it).

Appeal to their “App”sessiveness. Allow them to earn iPad time by first checking off a to-do list online, via one of the new apps created just for this purpose. These are helpful especially if you’re having trouble getting a chore system for kids off the ground. Two chore apps to check out: My Job Chart and Funifi DO.

Teaching Boundaries to Young Kids

June 15, 2016 by Kelley 1 Comment

What a start to summer. The recent spate of devastating news, spanning from campus assault to terrorism, happened to coincide with my kids’ final, happy days of nursery school, second grade, and fourth grade. Even as I cheered their crossing of milestones, I grieved inwardly about how short-lived these innocent days really are. It won’t be long until they aren’t just hearing scary news in the background, but understanding many of its deep, dark complexities.

One thing I’m trying to learn through writing this blog is how to talk to kids about big, difficult subjects in age-appropriate ways. I sense, from conversations with experts like Ellen Braaten, Ph.D and others, that there’s a window of opportunity to candidly connect with our kids that tends to get stuck as they enter their teens and naturally crave more space and privacy. And as details emerged about the Stanford sexual assault case, some friends and I discussed whether it was possible to start familiarizing kids with the concept of consent in early and mid-childhood—in other words, before sex enters the picture. As the parent of sons, I was especially interested in how to teach boys about boundaries—both how to recognize and respect them—without compromising their naturally affectionate natures.

Thankfully, other thinkers have offered some extremely helpful wisdom on the subject. In particular, there’s one article, originally posted on Everyday Feminism by a group of four journalists, that even academic psychologists cite as a great primer. Called Healthy Sex Talk, Teaching Kids Consent from 1-21, it was written in 2013, but I haven’t seen it until this week. In case you haven’t either, I’ve pared it down to five key points, here. There are many more age-specific details in the original article. Thanks to Alyssa Royse, Joanna Schroeder, Julie Gillis, and Jamie Utt for thinking about this before most of us were.

Encourage them to ask playmates before embracing them; and don’t force them to hug or kiss anyone else. It doesn’t have to be stiff and formal; simple langauge such as, “Sarah, let’s ask Joe if he would like to hug bye-bye,” just gets a child into a habit of respecting personal space. If Joe resists, be cheerful and suggest a wave, high-five, or a blown kiss. Suggest the same if you have a shy child who’s uneasy about embracing a cuddly friend or relative.

Use every opportunity you can to teach your child to think about how it feels to be in another person’s shoes. Empathy can be taught, and young kids are especially receptive. The authors suggest: “Use language like, ‘I know you wanted that toy, but when you hit Mikey, it hurt him and he felt very sad. And we don’t want Mikey to feel sad because we hurt him.’ Encourage your child to imagine how he or she might feel if Mikey had hit them, instead. This can be done with a loving tone and a big hug, so the child doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.” As kids grow, prompt them to pay attention to friends’ and siblings’ expressions and body language, and occasionally check in to make sure that their companions are okay.

Teach kids to respond immediately to—and freely use—”No” and “Stop.” Whether they are responsible for or the recipient of the unwanted action, even one as seemingly innocuous as nudging or tickling, make sure children understand the sanctity of these words.

Use correct terms for body parts and encourage them to speak matter-of-factly about them. When you take the mystery out of the language, talking frankly about these parts and their function becomes less taboo.

Motivate them to help people in trouble. Even as we distress over the terrible judgment of the young assailant in the Stanford case, we have to feel heartened by the heroic intervention of the graduate students who recognized and stopped the assault. We all want our kids to grow into individuals who step in when someone is struggling, but it may actually take practice. For little kids, authors suggest using family pet as an example (“Oh, it looks like the kitty’s tail is stuck! We have to help her!”) Later, prompt children to intervene or alert a grown-up if they see someone being bullied. Providing them with some sample language to make this tricky situation easier—and lots of props for bravery—helps.

photo credit: Sweetness via Photo Pin, cc

“Cool Stuff” Doesn’t Make Kids Popular

September 15, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

It sounds like the plot of a bad ‘tween sitcom, or maybe just your mother talking, but there’s actually some solid science behind it: Expensive or trendy clothing, technology, and gear don’t help kids become more popular, according to a large study by British researchers who are studying the effects of consumer culture on kids. In fact, children who acquire “cool” things in an effort to gain friends often wind up feeling worse about themselves than they did before getting the coveted items.

This seems like a particularly relevant topic now, at the start of the school year, as kids start noticing what new gadgets and styles friends have acquired over the summer. They start complaining about being the only one without (an Xbox, an iPhone 6, monogrammed Uggs). And unless you’re made of flint, chances are a tiny part of you has at least briefly considered the notion that a certain trendy item might help a lonely child feel more confident or accepted.

But this study, of more than 1,000 children ages 8 to 14, showed the opposite. Kids not only had a diminished identity after turning to consumer goods to boost their social status, they also reported increased rejection from peers after acquiring coveted items. Researchers at the University of Sussex, who recently presented these findings as part of their ongoing Children’s Consumer Culture Project, refer to this as consumerism’s “downward spiral,” in which lower well-being leads to consumer value adoption which, in turn, lowers well-being further.

While the research itself may be over kids’ heads, it might give some of us more confidence when we assure our children that “things” aren’t the ticket to a better seat in the cafeteria or more playdate invitations. If you think your child might need a little guidance on the social front, this piece in Psychology Today by Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D is a really helpful read. Called “How Children Make Friends,” it discusses the most important “ingredients” for socializing, including basic, straightforward advice that’s easy to pass onto kids (such as how to greet a peer in the morning). It’s a pretty great primer even for sometimes-shy grown-ups, too.

Does Birth Order Matter (Really)?

July 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Admit it: You’ve bought into the idea, at one time or another, that birth order really matters. It’s fascinating to consider the idea that the reason your children’s personalities are so different has to do with where they’re positioned in the nuclear family tree. And the stereotypes, so often on-point anecdotally, can be convenient. Your oldest is so (studious, responsible) because that’s the way firstborns just are. Your baby will always be (vivacious, goofy) because she’s, well, the baby. As for your middles—forget it. They may be making their own pancakes by age 2, but their (feelings of isolation, neglect) might cause them to fly the coop and never look back at age 22.

But a big new study deflates some of the most common beliefs about the effects of birth order on children. Researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign studied 377,000 American high school students, a massive sample size relative to other birth order studies to date. The study was controlled for such potential confounders as family’s economic status and number of children. The team found:

-Firstborns do have a higher IQ than later-borns, but by just a single point—a statistically significant but, according to researchers, meaningless difference. The strongest association in terms of cognitive trends was for higher verbal ability in firstborns, but the correlation—of just .08—was still too small to matter much.

-Being born first was also associated with being slightly more extroverted, agreeable, and conscientious, as well as (surprisingly) less anxious, according to their data. But these personality correlations are, like IQ, too tiny to matter in real life. “You are not going to be able to see it with the naked eye,” one researcher explained. “You’re not going to be able to sit two people down next to each other and see the differences between them. It’s not noticeable by anybody.”

The researchers’ takeaway? “The message of this study is that birth order probably should not influence your parenting, because it’s not meaningfully related to your kid’s personality or IQ,” the study’s lead author, Rodica Damian, Ph.D., said. In other words, we shouldn’t expect—or explain away—certain behaviors due to our kids’ position in the family. This provides some helpful perspective for me, as the mom of three boys with very different abilities and personalities. There have been times when I’ve attributed one kid’s strengths or weaknesses to birth order; and other times when I’ve wondered why my oldest isn’t more detail-oriented, or my youngest isn’t “easier” (i.e., living up to the more positive birth-order stereotypes). Fact is, they’re all delightfully complex—and life is, on all but the craziest days, all the more interesting because of it.

Photo credit: J.K. Califf via Photo Pin, license cc

Help for When a Pet Passes Away

July 2, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Skype is dying.

I don’t mean the video communication technology—though that may very well be on its way out, too—but my 7-year-old son’s betta fish, who’s lived in a plastic bowl on his nightstand for three years. (Why he decided to name him after said technology remains a mystery I haven’t bothered to probe.) Once a vibrant, puckish swimmer and ravenous eater, Skype has been laying listlessly among his plastic plant fronds and refusing food for the past week. Once a brilliant sea green, his scales are now a dull, sad brown.

On the spectrum of loss, I realize that losing a pet fish might seem insignificant, but not to my little guy. This son, who resembles a golden retriever in look and behavior himself, loves animals—all kinds—and will spend days tending to slimy snails he found in the pond near our house. I’ve resisted getting him a furry pet until he and his brothers are older, so Skype is and has been the recipient of all the attention and affection that can possibly be bestowed on a two-inch long, cold blooded creature whose species nickname is “Siamese Fighting Fish.”

For the past several mornings, my son has checked on Skype as soon as he woke up. “He’s still alive!” he’ll say triumphantly. But I know the morning is coming very soon when he will pad down to the kitchen, his big eyes (sea-green like Skype’s) welling with tears.

City Dog, Country Frog by Mo Willems and Jon Muth.

There’s been one big comfort to him through all this, and it’s not the promise of a replacement fish or something bigger and cuddlier when the time comes. It’s two books I found at the library. We’ve been reading them all week.

The first is City Dog, Country Frog, a joint project by two of favorite children’s author-illustrators, Mo Willems and Jon Muth. Compared to many of Willems’ and Muth’s other works (like the Pigeon series, or Zen Shorts series), this book isn’t exactly a hold-shelf shelf staple, probably because it deals with dying. But it does so gently, and hopefully. Set against the backdrop of the changing seasons, it explores a friendship between an energetic puppy and a wise frog. The animals play together in the spring and rest in the fall (frog is tired). In the winter, the dog has to confront the idea of loss when frog is nowhere to be found. But when spring comes ’round again, so does a new frog friend, and the circle of life and friendship continues.

Sally Goes to Heaven by Stephen Huneck

The second is Sally Goes to Heaven. Unlike City Dog, Country Frog, it dances not at all around the idea of death. And yet I can’t imagine a book that could provide greater comfort to a young child who realizes that he or she will never see a loved one again. Sally, celebrated in a series of books by the late, great author, dog-lover and woodcut artist Stephen Huneck, is tired. She has trouble getting up to greet her owner when he arrives home, and isn’t hungry. “The next morning,” young readers learn, “Sally went to heaven.” The next several pages are devoted to Sally’s wonderful afterlife, where she discovers, among other delights, a giant pile of dirty socks she can play in all day long. She also meets wonderful new friends. Toward the end, the author shares that Sally’s one wish is that her owners will find a new animal friend to love, too. And the last page is the most poignant: “Shhh,” it reads. “Sally is dreaming.” If you or your child are still unsure what your own idea of heaven is, that page leaves an open door to interpretation on just how Sally is experiencing life after death. But it leaves no doubt she’s at peace.

My son looked up at me after we finished Sally Goes to Heaven the second or third time. “I hope that happens to Skype,” he said, his voice breaking. He laid his curly head on my shoulder for a moment. Then he wiped his eyes and went out to ride his bike.

Every time my children learn about something painful in the world beyond a skinned knee or lost toy, my heart breaks just a little. My older son also had to confront death this year, through the loss of two schoolmates’ parents. And yet, I don’t want to shy away from discussing this topic with them—along with their fears, hopes, and questions. These conversations are painful, but somehow beautiful, too. We are talking about the very essence of life, with a life we have created.

Farewell, our fishy friend. For you, we wish an afterlife filled with lots of food, a tank always filled with fresh, clean water, and another boy who loves you as much as any human possibly could.

50 Parenting Truths They Left Out of the Books

June 22, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

My oldest son recently celebrated his 9^th birthday, which means—unthinkably—I’m in my final lap of my first decade of parenting. Because the start of summer has gotten me in a list-y sort of mood, I’ve spent the last couple weeks chipping away at a collection of random truths—my truths, at least—that seem to be missing from the parenting books I’ve amassed since my first pregnancy.

Aside from being a surprisingly cathartic exercise now, I thought it would interesting to be able to look back at this list after another decade has passed. What did I get right? Where was I clueless? What would I add once I was the parent of three big teenage boys (gulp) on the verge of adulthood?

Until then, I’m hoping you’ll share feedback and your own truths in comments or posts, and keep the list growing and growing.

1. Don’t, under any circumstances, try to pull down a dirty Pull-Up or swim diaper. Rip from the sides.

2. The terrible twos have nothing on the terrible threes. With another year, comes a greater sense of power.

3. Anything you let slide three times will become expected. That goes for them sleeping in your bed, skipping bath, eating a second dessert, and many, many other things.

4. The best way to clean a child’s nose is by sneak attack.

5. Trash and queasiness are inevitabilities in the family car. Always keep some plastic grocery bags in the glove compartment.

6. The ease with which your child learns to swim, ride a bike, and try a new food is far more dependent on their own internal voice than anything you can do or say.

7. Buy more milk, eggs, paper towels, socks, and sports water bottles than you think you’ll need.

8. Take the hand-me-downs.

9. Make a good babysitter happy.

10. An afternoon at the movies is fun, but with young children, a good video and popcorn is usually just as enjoyable for them and preferable in about a dozen ways for you.

11. Take 10 minutes to let kids run around a park, yard, or your apartment lobby before a road trip or restaurant meal.

12. Make sure your children get to bed on time the week before a vacation.

13. Three seasons of the year and for a good part of the fourth, top sheets on children’s beds are an unnecessary headache.

14. If you’re going to overspend on one thing your child’s going to wear, make it sneakers.

15. If your baby accepts a challenging food, keep giving it to him or her at least once a week. Otherwise, when you present it again in toddlerhood, he or she is likely to reject it.

16. If you want to get your child’s attention, sit in one place nearby for a few minutes, saying nothing.

17. Always pack water on car trips over 20 minutes.

18. If you go to the playground before 10 o’clock in the morning, bring an old towel to wipe down the slide.

19. It’s almost never something they ate, but a bug they’ve caught.

20. Kids will tire of even their favorite new toys within a couple months. Rotate boxes of 10 or so toys in and out of a hiding place.

21. Teach children to throw away wrappers and tissues in toddlerhood, otherwise you’ve got an uphill battle on your hands later.

22. An roll of kraft or butcher’s paper costs very little, lasts forever, and serves as an endless drawing surface, mess-free painting surface, tablecloth, or drop cloth.

23. Your child will have discussed with his or her friends certain (and almost always incorrect) aspects of the birds and bees long before you’ve had “the talk” with them.

24. Yell your point, and your child will focus on the yelling and miss the point.

25. They are still wiping wrong. Revisit lessons on technique regularly.

26. Learning to read and potty train are both longer processes than you think they will or should be.

27. When someone is unkind to your children, take heart: it will almost certainly hurt you more than it hurts them.

28. Your child’s general disposition at 4 months is very similar to what it will be at 4 years.

29. Nothing good comes from telling your child more than a couple minutes in advance that he or she is getting a shot at the doctor’s office.

30. It will be hard to believe that you will love a new child the way you love the one you already have, but you will.

31. Giving children the cold shoulder when you are angry will only confuse them.

32. After 30-60 minutes, the amount of screen time a child enjoys will be likely be inversely proportional to their good mood.

33. Telling your child about a mistake you’ve made can lead to a powerful connection between you.

34. Whether it’s reading, skating, sports, or a board game, a child will never really enjoy a pastime until he or she becomes basically capable at it. Expect the early days to be rough-going.

35. Set parental controls on the television and computer before you think you need to.

36. It’s tempting to skirt proper tuck-ins for older children, especially if they have younger siblings. Don’t.

37. It’s so much easier to clean up their room and toys for them, but that doesn’t mean you should.

38. You and the teacher are on the same team. Be absolutely candid with them about what your child is all about.

39. That perfect family? They have more worries and problems than you can imagine.

40. One of your child’s favorite foods will be his or her sibling’s least favorite foods, and vice versa. Don’t cut any of them out for this reason.

41. Once a child is potty trained, it will be infinitely easier to keep small stools in all bathrooms in the home for several years so children can go to the bathroom and wash their hands independently. Just buy a few.

42. The well-being of your oldest child will always be the barometer for how you think you’re doing as a parent.

43. Keep it light with kids, whenever possible.

44. Your neighbors know and care less about your family dynamics than you think they do.

45. If you find yourself starting to tell your child something for the third time in a row, start over, with eye contact.

46. When teachers recommend practicing the play lines at home, do it.

47. Offering a fellow parent a genuine compliment about his or her child can make that person’s day.

48. Your child’s “thing”—bugs, chess, rhythmic gymnastics—will likely change in two years.

49. Average can be—by definition—okay.

50. More hugs, fewer words.

What are some of your own parenting truths?