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What if Your Kid Hates Sports?

January 7, 2015 by Kelley 7 Comments

More kids than ever—a whopping 21.5 million, according a recent analysis by the Sports and Fitness Industry Association —play organized sports. Indeed, for better or occasionally worse, there seems to be a team for everyone, every season of the year. But what if you’re the parent of a child who doesn’t want to play on a team at all? For whom an hour at the dentist may be preferable to strapping on the shin pads and chasing after a soccer ball?

In our sports-crazed culture, parenting a child who claims to “hate sports” can be tricky. I’ve spoken with parents who worry that children who beg off little league tryouts or who shuffle around a basketball court in apparent misery are missing out on some important childhood rite—or at the very least, an opportunity to bond with peers in some meaningful way. These feelings are natural, particularly if you have a little youth league nostalgia yourself. Plus, there’s data suggesting that sports participation can help boost self-esteem, fitness, social confidence, and even academic achievement.

Other than putting a child’s lack of athletic interest in perspective—we are, after all, talking about games here—parents can do many things to support sports-averse kids at multiple ages and stages. In fact, many kids may get the physical, social, and emotional benefits of mainstream sports and more by participating in lower-stakes recreational games or less mainstream physical activities. With special thanks to HHK adviser Curt Hinson, Ph.D., a kinesiologist and dad who counsels schools around the country about improving gym and recess programs, we’re listed two big ideas here.

At the early childhood level…Don’t push programming.

It’s not hard to get sucked into the tot-team industrial complex cropping up in many communities (guilty here). It sometimes seems that everyone’s signing their preschoolers and kindergarteners up for soccer, tee ball, and the like. Sure, exposing a child to a variety of sports early on may be just thing to help him narrow down what he likes and doesn’t like. But if your little one starts balking every time you lace up those teeny-tiny cleats, it may be time to throw in the towel, at least temporarily. “The most common reasons a child ‘hates sports’ are that they had a bad experience or lack the skill to participate at a level that makes them feel successful,” says Dr. Hinson. Some tot-level organized sports—ones in which coaches attempt to teach skills that are above many participants’ fledgling physical capacities—can set the stage for both these problems. “If a child starts playing at an early age and he or she lacks the strength or coordination to participate at a successful level, they often become frustrated or bored, which, in a child’s mind, can equate to ‘hating sports,'” says Dr. Hinson.

If this is your kid, says Dr. Hinson, the best remedy is for parents not to force their children to play in an organized league, especially skill-based team sports like soccer, baseball, football, basketball or ice hockey. “It’s better in this scenario to spend the early years just playing with your child in the backyard or in an open gym space,” he says. “Often, throwing, catching and kicking skills can be developed quicker with you than at a team practice. Some team practices have kids standing around waiting in line more than they are engaged in skill development.” This way, you can gauge a young child’s interest without the pressures or costs of a team experience. Invite some friends or neighbors over every so often if the social aspect is of interest to you or your child. This may be extra work for you, but chances are the extra family time and lower pressure environment will benefit everyone.

At the elementary- and middle-school level…Sign up for alternative sports.

When your older child ‘hates sports,’ it may just be that he just hates the sports he’s been exposed to up until this point. While the saying that “there’s an athlete inside all of us,” may sound a little commercial or corny, it’s true that there’s some appealing physical activity out there for almost every child—and now more than ever. Some of those ballooning sports participation stats have to do with the fact that more and more kids are getting involved with physical activities that weren’t available to us as kids.

Talking to your friends, your child’s P.E. teachers, and, of course, local Google searches will help generate ideas. In our town outside of Boston, for instance, there are a few indoor rock climbing facilities that hold kids’ classes, and many kids’ skiing programs. Dr. Hinson has found that dance programs and gymnastics in particular appeal to many kids who are disinclined toward team sports. There’s also a growing number of fitness gyms that have launched kids’ programming, from yoga to Crossfit. More and more towns are holding running programs and races that begin at the school-age level, and there are even kids triathlons held in many communities (look for one near you at trifind.com).

Whether or not your child finds a friend who’s game to try out one of these alternative sports with her, consider joining her yourself. You may both get more fit—have you ever tried to keep up with a motivated 11-year-old?—and also find that the best bonding you do is on a running trail or chairlift. And that’s a win-win.

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Can Empathy Be Taught?

November 19, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

One of my greatest memories of living in New York City as a new parent is a simple one. It was six years ago, and my oldest son was two. We were playing around a fountain at a neighboring apartment complex, and a little girl was sitting cross-legged on the pavement, sobbing. My son stopped his scooter, looked at her for a moment, and then walked over to the child and solemnly embraced her for a minute or two. He didn’t know her, but wanted to hug her. I remember thinking at that moment: my son is kind. And it filled me with warm feelings. (Feelings I try to return to, in “Calgon, take me away” fashion, when that same son is yelling at his younger brother for breathing on his Lego ship without permission.)

Turns out there’s a good reason why that moment impacted me so much. A recent study suggests that the ability to demonstrate empathy at a very young age is a surprisingly good predictor of later behavior. University of Michigan researchers collected data on 240 children at age 3, and took note if they demonstrated certain behavioral red-flags, and then studied the children again at age 6. Turns out that preschoolers whose parents thought they showed “callous or unemotional” behavior, notably a lack of empathy, were especially likely to have behavioral problems in first grade. This lack of empathy was an even more powerful predictor of later trouble than traits like inattentiveness and defiance.

The silver lining of this glum finding, say researchers, is that empathy, unlike some other personal characteristics, can be successfully nurtured, especially in little kids. Study co-author and University of Michigan psychology professor Luke Hyde singled out Parent Management Training, a treatment model used by many child psychologists who care for families of conduct-challenged kids, as a good starting point for parents who want to help their little ones be kinder and more aware of others’ feelings.

On its Facebook page, the Parent Management Training Institute posted a piece about helping children learn empathy. They offer these three useful tips, which I paraphrase here. I hope to practice all three with my kids—even, and perhaps especially, my three-year-old—in the coming months.

Model empathic behaviors whenever possible. Isn’t this the case with so many good parenting practices? Talk often about how others are feeling, and how you might be able to help them.

When your child says something negative about a peer, counter them with positivity. It’s common for children to focus on something a person is doing wrong. When they voice a negative observation out loud—”Tara is bad at basketball,” is the example used by the PMTI—don’t just say, “that’s not nice.” Prompt them to be more understanding in the future by offering insights into possible reasons the target of the observation is having trouble (“Tara just started the sport; remember when you did?”) or pointing out other ways in which the person shines.

Be a storyteller of kindness. Kids often respond to true stories about kind deeds and actions more than abstract reminders. Tell them about how you or someone they know has lent a helping hand, or relate an inspiring story from the news.

I’m going to add a final one: Do something selfless together. Next week, look for a post about simple ways even the littlest members of your family can give to others in need this holiday season.

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How-to: Fighting in Front of Your Kids

October 29, 2014 by Kelley 1 Comment

Okay, obviously this post isn’t an endorsement of brawling with your spouse in front of your children. But I’m hard-pressed to identify any couple who doesn’t get, shall we say, mutually testy from time to time, and if you live with kids, they’re going to pick up on it. They might not hear your 17 requests to remove the Lego bricks that somehow found their way to your shower floor, but if one parent so much as whispers something critical to the other, you can almost see their little ears perk up.

Turns out, kids learn a lot from the way their parents fight. Multiple studies have shown that young kids whose parents fight aggressively (physically or verbally) are at higher risk for depression, anxiety and behavior problems as they grow. But other research suggests that constructive disagreements—in which parents demonstrate affection and attempts to problem-solve—might actually make kids more empathetic and socially skilled than their peers.

To learn more about how exactly to role model healthy discord in front of the kids, I spoke with our advisory board member Erica Reischer, Ph.D, a psychologist and parenting coach who has her own blog, What Great Parents Do. In her practice, Dr. Reischer finds that “parenting problems” often stem from unresolved conflict between parents, and so she spends a lot of time working to foster more productive communication within couples. The trick, she says, isn’t to hide your fights from your children, but demonstrate respectful disagreement and—even more important—eventual resolution. Here are some keys to making that happen:

Question actions, not character. If you’re upset that your husband didn’t help out with the kids’ bath time like you’d asked, say that. There’s no need to throw words like “lazy” or “forgetful” into the mix. “Name calling, shaming, and hurting your partner’s feelings sends a particularly bad message to kids,” says Dr. Reischer.

Watch your tone even more than your volume. Yelling is normal in conflict—we all get agitated, and when we do the volume and pitch of our voice naturally rises, says Dr. Reischer. She’d rather parents focus less on lowering their voices and more on using respectful language and allowing others to speak. In other words: It’s worse to be quietly sarcastic than to loudly—but constructively—communicate your discontent.

Take a time-out if things get too heated. If you sense emotions are about to boil over, tell your spouse (and your kids, if they are present) that you need to take a grown-up time-out to yourself. This is better than taking it to another room, which just implies to kids that it’s okay to aggressively argue as long as it’s in private. “It’s good for kids to learn that they should take it upon themselves to go somewhere and cool off if need be,” Dr. Reischer says.

If you start a fight in front of the kids, make sure they see the kiss-and-make-up part, too. Even if you’ve shared words you wish you hadn’t, or one of you has stomped off in the middle of a fight, it’s still—if not even more—important to let them witness how you resolve the disagreement. Watching parents give some ground, see the other’s side, or even agree to disagree will not only make them kids feel better, it will also teach them the benefit of working together to solve difficult problems.

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When the Bully is a Sibling

September 22, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Sibling rivalries are as old as Cain and Abel, and generally speaking, nowhere near so dramatic. It’s the rare parent of multiple children who doesn’t deal with squabbling or even screaming from time to time. But new research suggests that parents should scrutinize their kids’ relationships with one another a little more closely. A study by scientists at the University of Oxford found that kids who were bullied by their own siblings were twice as likely as other kids to suffer from depression and anxiety. “Forms of bullying where victims are shoved around the playground or targeted at work have been well documented,” says lead author Lucy Bowes, Ph.D. “However, this study uncovers a largely hidden form of bullying. Victims of sibling bullying are offered little escape as sibling relationships endure throughout development.”

Photo credit: Susan via Flickr, cc

That was the real eye opener for me. Sure, it’s hard enough for a child when there’s a bully in her class, on her bus, or at her lunch table. But what if the bully shares his toys? His dinner table? His bedroom? While educators are falling over themselves these days to implement bullying awareness and policies on school grounds, we parents tend to write off sibling-to-sibling struggles as a normal part of household dynamics. And yet, it makes perfect sense that when the power dynamic is lopsided enough, kids can feel there’s nowhere to turn, and the negative impact is lasting.

To be sure, bullying is different than garden-variety “fighting,” and the majority of sibling squabbles are just that. In the Oxford study, researchers defined sibling bullying as incidents of being ignored or verbally or physically abused by a brother or sister several times a week. Among 3,452 kids studied, 23 percent reported this level of bullying. (Interestingly, girls were more likely to be victims of bullying, and older brothers were most often the perpetrators.) Of the bullied children, 12% were clinically depressed, 16% had anxiety, and 14% attempted some kind of self harm (cutting, etc.) in the previous year. Those who said they were never bullied by a brother or sister were about half as likely to have these issues.

While it would be silly to freak out over every little battle your kids’ wage over the front seat or the remote control, it’s clearly important that we be a little more aware of the way they fight, and intervene when necessary (as exhausting as it can feel sometimes). HHK adviser Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a psychologist and mother of four who has seen her share of sibling squabbles, helped come up with some tips:

1. Watch how your kids interact. Look for power imbalances. When one child (typically the older sibling, but not always) is frequently starting the arguments, initiating physical fights, or talking badly about the other child, those are all red flags.

2. Treat sibling bullying as you would school bullying. Chances are, if you got a call from school and were told that your child is bullying a classmate, you’d take it seriously. It’s important to apply the same gravity to bullying at home. “I have a zero tolerance policy for bullying, both in and out of my home,” says Dr. Dunn. “If one of my children is exhibiting bullying behaviors towards someone else (sibling or not), I let them know that this is not acceptable behavior and that if they continue there will be consequences. And then I follow through. It’s important to make sure that the consequences reflect the seriousness of your zero tolerance policy and are of a currency that your children understand. For example, if one sibling is bullying another then the offender will be grounded from all electronic devices and extracurricular activities for one week. If they can’t shape up, then that will be extended.”

3. Teach your children to speak up if they’re feeling victimized. Often, we discourage kids from “tattling.” While it’s important that we teach children to stand up for themselves, that might feel impossible for a kid who’s cowed by an imposing brother or sister. Teach them the difference between a disagreement and a bullying situation, and make sure they feel comfortable coming to you or your spouse when they feel unable to stand their ground.

4. Foster situations in which your kids can work or play together peacefully. Whether they’re contending for the last roll at dinner or your attention after a long day, a sibling can easily feel like your child’s stiffest competition. Be careful not to stoke rivalries by comparing one to another, and make sure you build a little lighthearted communal downtime—walks, treat baking, family movie time—into their weeks. “Sibling relationships are so powerful because they know each other like no one else could,” says Dr. Dunn. “They grow up with the same parents, the same grandparents, the same homes, the same values, the same happy memories, and the same problems. Although each may be impacted differently, siblings can relate to each other in a way that no one else can.”