teens Archives - Page 2 of 2 - Happy Healthy Kids

How to Talk to Boys about Bullying

April 14, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

When they’re being bullied, girls are more likely to be positively affected by talking to their moms than boys are, according to new research out of the University of Michigan. Sharing their troubles with mom seems to help protect girls, but not boys, from later antisocial behavior that tends to affect kids who are bullied.

This might not surprise a lot of us, who assume that girls in general may be naturally “more connected” to their moms. But deeper data in the study reveal that something more might be at work. Turns out that moms are talking to their sons less than they’re talking to their daughters, generally. We may not be giving boys their fair share of opportunities to download their concerns and fears to us.

I know: You try. So do I. I’m sure I’m not the only mom of boys to experience a dynamic we begin to hear about as soon as people find out you’re carrying a child with XY chromosomes: a diminishment of open, spontaneous communication as our sons age. Whereas a lot of us enjoy cuddly, close, and chatty relationships with our toddler- and preschool-age sons, a foundation for a conversational wall seems to take shape around kindergarten, when simple questions—”what did you do for school today?”—are often met with monosyllabic answers, grunts, or silence. Sometimes, you’re left to rely on intel from a female classmate or her mother—who, between aisle 9 and 10 in the grocery store, will fill you in on who your son is playing with, how he did on his Spanish exam, and what’s he’s eating for lunch on Wednesdays.

But this study seems to suggest yet another reason that it’s worth our while to break down that conversational wall, early and often—even if takes some determined and, I suspect, more creative means of chipping away. Bullied kids aren’t just going through a “phase.” Along with being at higher risk for later antisocial behavior, bullied kids are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, which may persist into adulthood. They’re also more likely to exhibit decreased academic achievement and school participations than peers who don’t feel bullied.

Stopbullying.gov, the government campaign, has some helpful tips for encouraging kids to come to you if they’re having social difficulties at school. Their page “Keeping the Lines of Communication Open” seems particularly useful if you have a less-than-chatty son. I’m summarizing their tips, here.

Shoot to spend about 15 minutes a day talking to your kids about life in general. It can reassure them that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Here are some conversation starters:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Be sure to bring up the subject of bullying specifically from time to time, so your kids know it’s safe to talk to you about problems when they arise. Start with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

For my own mental bulletin board, I would add that it’s important that we allow more space for kids, girls and boys both, to talk about the not-so-rosy parts of their life. I know I have to work really hard to avoid having that knee-jerk look of anguish when my boys reveal a mistake or concern, and that I too often push a “buck up” attitude when they’re down. When we respond to the good, bad, and ugly with gentleness and equanimity, the more likely our boys will feel like ours is a comfortable shoulder to lean on.

photo credit: Gratitude, via Photo Pin, cc

When to Talk About the Birds and Bees

March 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

My friend Beth recently sent me an email with an idea for a post. With her oldest son turning 9, she wondered if it was time to talk with him about the birds and bees.

Whaaat? I thought. My oldest is turning 9 soon, too, and I hadn’t thought that we were anywhere near “the talk.” I quickly started researching the topic, and it appeared that Beth was on the right track. Clearly, I was clueless, so I reached out to clinical psychologist Ellen Braaten, Ph.D. Dr. Braaten is the associate director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds and the director of the Learning and Emotional Assessment Program (LEAP), both based at Massachusetts General Hospital, as well as a mom. Here’s what I learned.

There shouldn’t be one big sex talk, but an evolving conversation—starting very early.

Once a child gets to be verbal, you can do a few things to set the stage for later talks about how babies are made. Dr. Braaten advises always using the correct names for body parts, and also demonstrating and talking about loving, gentle relationships, generally. You can also talk about what it means to be a family, making sure to point out that there are different types of families.

There’s a good chance that your preschooler or early elementary schooler will take note that other grown-ups—maybe you or your partner—are expecting and having babies, and they might start asking more, shall we say, technical questions. “You can and should answer all questions that come up, and be truthful, without adding unnecessary details that might confuse or upset them,” says Dr. Braaten. If you and your partner conceived in the traditional way, she suggests saying something like, “Mommy and Daddy love each other, and Daddy shared a small part of himself with a small part of Mommy, and those parts started to grow into a baby.” If you have a curious child who presses for more details—but how did Daddy’s part get inside Mommy?—Dr. Braaten likes the idea of talking about parents sharing a very special hug, and leaving it at that for the time being. (If your child is adopted or is conceived via a donor or surrogate, you’ll obviously have a different type of conversation. For guidance, Dr. Braaten advises talking to friends in similar situations who have older children. “Other parents are always your best guides when it comes to this subject, in particular,” she says.)

Between 8 and 10 is a good time to talk to kids about puberty and the basics of sex.

“Kids should know when and how bodies change before they hit puberty,” says Dr. Braaten. “When you do this, the conversation will be less personal and therefore less embarrassing for them, making them far more inclined to listen and ask the important questions.” Talking about what happens during puberty to both sexes is also important to demystify the changes that they might notice in their peers. Dr. Braaten also recommends having both you and your spouse or partner present during the conversation so your child knows that either of you can field questions or concerns later.

After you’ve given them the basics, leave them with a good book about puberty so they can refer to it later. For girls, Dr. Braaten recommends The Care and Keeping of You, by the makers of the American Girl doll series. For boys, The Boys Body Book, published in 2013, is well reviewed. Let them know you’re available to talk about any questions they might have.

A conversation about puberty allows you to segue naturally into the basics of sex. You can explain that girls’ and boys’ bodies change in preparation for creating babies later in life, after they develop a very close and loving relationship with someone. You then have to judge for yourself if this or another time is best to explain, frankly, how sex occurs. For many kids, these details might be best addressed in a separate conversation a year or two later. Other children will ask a lot of questions during a discussion about puberty, in which case you should be honest and to-the-point. “At this stage, keep the explanation brief and biologically based,” Dr. Braaten. To limit the chance that your child might share his new knowledge with a not-yet-informed classmate, make it clear that these conversations—just like sex itself—are very private and personal, and shouldn’t be discussed at school.

After the basic pre-teen sex talk, regularly take advantage of opportunities to talk about tougher topics.

Once your children are teens, you’ll want to talk to them about birth control and safe sex. Take every opportunity to discuss these subjects when they arise organically: like when the topic is discussed in a movie you’re watching together, or when your child talks about something that’s happening to a friend.

Every so often, a kid will ask a difficult question totally out of the blue, or in an inopportune place. If you’re not ready to address it thoughtfully, says Dr. Braaten, you can always say, ‘That’s a really good question but I’m not sure how to answer it right now. I’m going to think about it and get back to you—promise.’ And be sure to follow up within a day or two.

Finally, try to be non-judgmental whenever possible, and make sure you allow everything to be on the table. That way, your child will be more apt to come to you when they’re having a problem. “Parents tend to be naïve about their kids sexuality—it’s jarring to find out that a 13-year-old girl knows about or is even doing a lot of things that seem very ‘adult,’” says Dr. Braaten. “But kids today are exposed to more sexual conversation and images than ever before, from the Internet to everyday commercials. It can be shocking and confusing to them. As hard or uncomfortable as it may be, stay ahead of the curve. You want to be the person they go to with the tough questions.”

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Kids and Strength Training: A Good Idea?

February 10, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Our town recreation department recently started offering Crossfit classes—for kids. That was a surprise: I’ve always associated Crossfit—the high-impact, strength-boosting exercise movement that’s swept the nation—with hardcore (and hard-bodied) adults. The idea of kids doing burpees—and not the kind for laughs at the lunch table—seemed a little…much?

At the same time, I knew that strong muscles can help protect against many sports-related injuries. Also, gym-related fitness is a great alternative for kids who aren’t drawn to traditional competitive sports. The question: what can kids who are interested in getting stronger do that can help—and not hurt—growing bodies? So I checked into the research, spoke with my husband (a pediatric orthopedic surgeon who specializes in sports medicine) and consulted with physical education expert Curt Hinson, Ph.D., a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member. Here are some takeaways:

1. Strength training can be really good for children and teens… Studies have demonstrated that well-supervised programs, especially ones performed twice a week for at least 8 weeks, can safely and measurably increase kids’ strength, and may also help decrease the risk of certain injuries. This is important to note as youth sport competitions continue to grow more intense and competitive, leading to the type of injuries—like A.C.L. tears—that used to only plague adults.

2. …But it’s imperative that kids do the right kind of strength training. The safest and best type of weight training regimen for kids should involve light weights, and high repetitions. Make sure kids are not doing any type of explosive, powerlifting moves, whether with weights or medicine balls or kettle bells or (as might be the case in our house) unwilling younger siblings. Lifting super-heavy objects can throw a skeletally immature child off balance, and overstress their joints.

Even better for kids are resistance-based moves that don’t involve any weights. So, certain Crossfit staples, like squats, mountain climbers, and, yes, burpees can be safe and beneficial for kids, if done with controlled, supervised movements. Most strength training injuries occur on home equipment, with unsafe behavior and in unsupervised settings. Make sure you or another trusted adult is monitoring your child when he or she is working out.

3. Hold off on encouraging your child to try any strength-training program until they are 8 years old. Because it’s around this time that children achieve adult-level balancing skills, which are needed to do strength-training moves safely and effectively, experts recommend parents hold off on letting their children embark on any muscle-building programs until this age.

4. Make sure you put the benefits of strength training in perspective for kids. Remind kids that muscle isn’t the magic bullet to sports success (or popularity or attractiveness, for that matter.) It’s important that kids know the risks of pushing their bodies too hard, as well as the dangers of supplements and pills that purport to make them bigger or more “cut.”

5. Check out the IronKids app if your child shows interest in getting stronger. The AAP has created a great, $3.99 app called IronKids, which features lots of safety tips as well as a 45-minute, kid-friendly “IronStrength” workout. Do it together with your kids—it’s a great way for you to keep tabs on their progress and fit a workout in at the same time.

Coaching Your Kid’s Sports Team

September 4, 2014 by Kelley 1 Comment

If your child plays a sport, you or your spouse has probably coached, or at least considered coaching, his or her team. More than 85 percent of youth league coaches are moms or dads of players—because town coffers don’t typically support coaching salaries, but also because it seems, to a lot of us, like a really nice thing: time with your kid, doing something fun, active, and common-goal-oriented.

photo credit: D.Clow – Maryland via photopin cc

If only it were that simple. Coaching your own child has many obvious rewards, but some real challenges, too. Separating yourself from your everyday parent role to treat your child like “any other player” is easier said than done, and kids can sniff out the struggle. While the common assumption is that a parent coach may favor his child, interviews of youth soccer players by researchers at the University of Virginia and elsewhere reveal that kids of coaching parents often feel pressure and higher expectations, and a sense of being subject to a disproportionate amount of criticism. And no one likes being picked on by a coach, particularly one you have to sit down to dinner with later that evening.

Obviously, becoming your child’s youth team coach requires more than a basic knowledge about the sport. It necessitates some introspection to understand your own motivations to become a coach, as well as your child’s—and his teammates’—personality and learning style. For advice on this sticky topic, I turned to my friend Sara Whalen Hess, Psy.D., who’s also a World-Cup-gold-medal-winning former professional soccer player, and now a licensed clinical psychologist and mom of three. (Check out her practice’s website, here.) Dr. Hess started coaching her oldest son’s youth league soccer team when he was 4, and has continued to coach his team every year (he’s now 8). As a former elite athlete, practicing psychologist, and parent, she’s uniquely qualified to provide some advice for making a parent coaching experience a positive one. Here are some of her take-to-the-field tips.

1. Fight the urge to coach and instruct your own child all game long. The only way for a child to learn to play is through trying and failing—that’s a natural process for any athlete, says Dr. Hess: “Kids are so desperate to please their parents in general, but it’s important that children don’t feel like they need to impress us. My goal with my son was that he had fun, because if he’s having fun, he will want to work hard, and that’s how he will get better. As corny as that sounds, it’s absolutely true.”

2. If your child or his teammate is struggling, focus on the positive. Kids respond really well when they think you think they can be successful, Dr. Hess says. One of her favorite pieces of advice for parent clients in her practice—“catch your child being good”—works nicely for coaching, too. Be on the watch for a genuinely savvy move or team-building behavior from a lesser star, and give her effusive props for it when it occurs. “Kids who are a bit slower to catch on need more positive reinforcement to be motivated,” she notes.

3. Don’t neglect a successful player (yours or another’s). It’s tempting to leave a good player to his own devices while you tend to the child who’s studying the clover in right field. But your job as coach is to help your child and all of his teammates grow, regardless of where they fall on the skill chart. “Sometimes I will tell my son to use his left foot more, or try a certain, difficult skill during a game,” Dr. Hess says. “There’s a challenge out there for everyone, but it might not be the same for everybody.”

4. Early on, pay attention to the way different kids respond to different motivational techniques. Style doesn’t need to change based on skill level—however, it may need to change based on personality, Dr. Hess says. “There are always kids who need more direct feedback, and some who need a softer approach. I always get to know my players really well, so I can identify with them and know what they need to have fun and work hard.”

5. After the game, put your parenting hat back on. Postgame talks can be tricky for everyone, Dr. Hess notes, but particularly if you’ve played a role in your child’s win or loss. Try not to brood about your own coaching performance, or your child’s play that day. If the game was a tough one, focus on dialogue more than commentary. “Rule of thumb when you don’t know what to say to a kid: Find out what they’re thinking,” says Dr. Hess. “Ask them how they feel, if they had fun, what were the best or most difficult parts. And based on the research of (Stanford psychologist) Carol Dweck, always put the focus on effort and work put in, rather than stats. We need kids—ours and others—to relate their success to their hard work, so they aren’t afraid of failing.”

Preseason Sports Reminder: Drink Up

August 17, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

It’s around this time of summer that kids not only get back to school, but back to sports practice. For older children and teens, especially, preseason can be serious stuff: A time to prove their worth to coaches and teammates after time away. Unfortunately, this annual ritual of excitement, adrenaline and stiff competition takes place amid sweltering temperatures countrywide. It’s a pressure-cooker combo that can set the stage for dehydration, which has played a role in serious sports-related health scares, and even deaths, in recent years.

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HHK advisory board members and moms Julie Kardos, M.D. and Naline Lai, M.D. have written extensively on the subject in their blog Two Peds in a Pod. They advise parents to think beyond just sending kids to practice with a loaded, easy-to-sip-from water bottle (which is of course important too). Kids should not only drink every 20 minutes during a sports activity, but sip from a water bottle throughout the day and up to an hour prior to it. Afterwards, the more competitive players who churn up a sweat should turn to electrolyte replenishers such as Gatorade and Powerade. Though the citric acids in these sports drinks can put kids at higher risk for cavities when swigged regularly, they can be extremely helpful when kids endure 20-30 minutes of sweating, which causes the body can lose more salt and sugar than is healthy.

Even more important is to equip your kids with knowledge about what dehydration feels like. “Because thirst does not always correlate with dehydration, children often misjudge their own hydration status,” says Dr. Lai. “Headache and nausea are some of the first symptoms kids should be aware of.” Arm them, too, with the good sense to ask a coach for a water break if they’re feeling lightheaded or “just not right,” says Dr. Lai. With proper hydration, they’ll come back even stronger in the next drill.